


You’re Far From Perfect ( But Not in my Eyes)

by gaywarriorgirls



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe- Modern Setting - Freeform, Angst, Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied Suicide Attempt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Slow Burn, Smut, Volleyball AU no one asked for, depictions of self harm, ill add tags as i go, setter Clarke, suicidal ideations, team captain Lexa, very very heavy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2020-05-31 07:08:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19420978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaywarriorgirls/pseuds/gaywarriorgirls
Summary: Clarke Griffin transfers to Trikru university after a year away from college. She should be a junior, but having not done so well at Arkadia university in her freshman and sophomore years, she is restarting.She and Lexa get off on the wrong foot right away, but it won’t take long for Lexa to realize she is only seeing a shell of the girl.How long will it take for the volleyball team captain to realize her star setter is so much more than she sees, and is in desperate need of saving from herself.OrThe one where Lexa and Clarke are on a college volleyball team together, and Clarke is struggling with depression, anxiety and self harm/suicidal thoughts and behaviors, and Lexa just wants the girl to be happy.





	1. The beginning of the end

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all. This is a very heavy fic, and there are warnings before every graphic section of this work. So please enjoy and let me know what you think of the first chapter.
> 
> There was no beta for this chapter, so all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> This chapter is really just introducing the setting, but next chapter I will get more into their personal lives and try not to make any of you hurt to badly in Clarke’s name :)

The girls' locker room was crowded. It smelled musty and was heated with sweaty bodies. The volleyball team was huddled around Luna, their main setter. Trikru university was about to have their first match of the season. Against Arkadia. Arkadia was their biggest rival in football, but that rivalry carried over into other sports as well. The mixing smell of different perfumes, shampoos, deodorants made the room rank. The smell was often too much for sensitive noses.

Clarke, having not been planning to come to today's game, because she wasn't needed with Luna as the main setter, walked into the locker room, and came to an immediate halt. The scents were overwhelming, and the setter could immediately sense the tension. Upon her arrival, all heads turned toward her. The 12 pairs of eyes, silently judging her and wondering why she was here.

"See? Now you have a setter" Luna exclaimed, gesturing wildly at Clarke before a grimace crossed her face. The jerky movements obviously not sitting well with a broken back.

"She is a freshman!" came a sharp hiss, a girl with striking green eyes stood, glaring at the blonde standing just inside the door.

"And the only other setter we have" A gruff voice rose above the rest. "You will play with Clarke as the setter. And may as well get used to it, because she will be for the whole season."

A pause.

"Clarke, you ready for today?"

The blonde beauty was now able to identify who exactly the gruff voice was coming from. Her coach Indra, the only person involved in the volleyball team that Clarke had met. It was bad preparation, having someone be such a key player in the game, but they have never played with the team. She knew a few names, like her outside hitter is Lexa, her middle would be Anya, and her weak side would be Octavia. And that's about all she knew.

"As ready as I can be" Clarke murmured uncertainly. Her striking blue eyes traveled around the group in front of her. Each person seemed to have a different level of disgust toward her. "I just need to know who Lexa, Anya, and Octavia are"

Her words were quiet, almost as if not to be heard, but Indra picked up on them.

"Lexa is number four, Anya is number twenty-three, and Octavia is your lucky number one" Indra spoke directly to Clarke, her voice strong and carrying weight to it. Implying that the three girls were to step forward, put a face to the name.

"I'm Octavia, your weak side hitter. Not much I need to tell you about my position. I'll always be ready to hit if you need to set me." The sophomore, Octavia, gave Clarke a kind smile before stepping away to stand beside someone else.

"And I would be Anya, your middle. I like to run slides and one ball so I'll call what I want" The only thing Anya offered her, was a sharp glare before turning away and back to Luna.

When no one else stepped forward, Lexa being the last one she had to meet, she released a small groan, already annoyed at the pettiness of college students about having a freshman set for them. Indra seemed to latch onto this, and cleared her throat, her intentions clear as her steely gaze made its way to the face of a tall tanned skinned brunette.

"I'm Lexa" the girl spoke after seconds of silently arguing with Indra. "I can't give you a rundown of my position in ten seconds. So just give me whatever."

The next part she said, probably wasn't supposed to be heard by Clarke, but sensitive ears picked up the words 'not like you'd be able to run my plays' Clarke wasn't surprised by the remark, knowing that most of the older students doubted freshman's abilities to be good at anything. So Clarke only gave her a simple 'ok' before turning and walking toward the locker she had been given. Clarke still wore a pair of ripped skinny jeans, and a light grey camisole, having come straight here from the lunch she had been at with her friend Raven. With the game starting in less than fifteen minutes, Clarke wasted no time in pulling the feather-like material over her head, setting it down on the bench next to her. She bent down, opening her bag, pulling out a sports bra, and her Jersey with the number 48 on it. Unclasping her bra, she slid it off her shoulders, being modest enough to turn away from the rest of the group. Her now bare breasts pointed towards a wall instead of the eyes of sex-crazed hormonal teenagers. Slipping the sports bra over her head, and now decently covered, she turned back toward the group listening to what they were saying about the upcoming game. The femora was almost completely oblivious to the hungry green hues that were watching her every move, ever since she had walked into the locker room.

***

To say that Lexa was unhappy with this whole ordeal would be an understatement. She was pissed. The entire women's volleyball season at Trikru University basically sat in the hands of a freshman college student. The girl had to be decent, or she wouldn't be on the team, but that didn't mean Lexa was happy to have to trust a freshman. Currently, the twelve girls, thirteen including Clarke, who had yet to arrive, were huddled in the middle of the humid locker room. They were planning plays, talking about Luna's injury, and the talking only ceased when the door to the locker room opened.

In stepped one of the most beautiful person, Lexa had ever seen. Her hair was golden and somehow pulled neatly into a messy bun. The girl, Clarke, wore a light grey camisole and had on a pair of ripped skinny jeans. The jeans hugged her curvy hips deliciously, and even though the camisole wasn't form fitting, the thin material allowed for Lexa to notice the ample amount of cleavage the girl held. Lexa felt her body respond to Clarkes tantalizing figure, and when the girl was close enough, her smell was intoxicating. She felt drawn to Clarke in a way she hadn't felt in a long time.

'No, no it's not happening. Don't go lusting after a freshman' she chided herself mentally.

Only then did she realize Indra was waiting for her to speak. Not one to like getting caught off guard, she handed out a particularly rude remark and turned her back on Clarke. That new position lasted only a few moments of their time, before her gaze sought out Clarke's form. They found her standing by a locker that had been previously vacant but was apparently now in use. Lexa watched, entranced as Clarke removed her camisole, disappointed to see her turn away to remove the bra the restrained ample breasts. Even so, Lexa examined the petite figure greedily, taking in the expanse of pale skin that seemingly held no marks, something she desperately felt the need to change. The captain took in everything she was given in those few moments before Clarke was pulling the sports bra over her head, to settle on stark white skin.

At that Clarke would turn back towards the huddled team, but Lexa continued to watch her. She observed the smooth planes of her stomach, with a six pack of abs, not rock solid, and not insanely defined but on display none the less. As a dark green, black and white jersey was pulled over Clarke's head, Lexa had to hold back a whimper of disapproval. Wanting nothing more but, for the endless expanse of pale skin to once more be on display for her eager eyes to take in. Next, it would be the jeans, slipped slowly down a pair of long pale legs. Here, Lexa did notice something. Markings it looked like, on Clarke's inner thigh. Stretch marks? No those are scars. Scars from what though? How can someone get scars on the inside of her thighs?

All the questions that flooded Lexa's mind at the marks would have to get answered later as a pair of spandex, followed by knee pads were slid up long legs. Long socks were pulled on over her feet before she slipped into a set of under armor volleyball shoes. The red set to be exact. Lexa, expecting Clarke to be done dressing and getting ready now, walked over to the girl, prepared to give her the one on one. Captain to player. What Lexa did not expect was for Clarke to pull nude tape from her bag and begin to wrap her left wrist.

"Are you injured?" Lexa spoke up exasperated, of course, it has to be her team that has both setters injured.

Clarke looked up, startled, but only for a moment, before she seemed to regain her composure. At least, enough to answer.

"No, it's more of a personal thing..." her voice trailed off, her hands faltering in their wrapping movements.

"Oh?" Lexa arched a brow at that, wondering what Clarke could mean by personal.

"yeah... I uh... " she paused, seemingly trying to find the right words to describe it. "It's not important"

Lexa was not at all happy with the final answer mumbled toward her, but she could tell by the way Clarke began to shift from foot to foot that the girl was uneasy, and wanted to flee.

"Okay... just play your best today. We will run plays at practice tomorrow so you're a bit more accustomed to the team." Her voice wasn't kind, not in the slightest, it held some bite to it. As if she was holding Clarke responsible for being the age that she is.

Clarke only nodded in response, before resuming taping up her wrist. Lexa nodded as well, rolling her eyes at the odd behavior before retreating back to the team to talk about plays, and who would be subbing in for who.

***

The court was silent, Lexa could feel every muscle in her body tense up. Trikru had won serve in the coin flip, so Clarke stood in position one, waiting for the down ref to give her the ball so she could serve. During their four minutes on, Clarke had given solid sets to everyone. Earning compliments from Anya and Echo, the two middles. Telling the freshman her sets were the perfect height, and that she was doing wonderful. Lexa had refused to be as nice, only offering nods and tight smiles after each hit.

When it comes to warming up their serves, Lexa was utterly shocked. Clarke's balls were barely making it over the net, and it was a weird topspin kind of thing. However, the replacement setter didn't seem to be bothered in any way with her horrid serves. Lexa had groaned internally, wishing that Clarke wasn't the setter so she wouldn't have to start in the one spot, but her luck didn't stretch that far. When the ref blew the whistle, signaling their four minutes had gone by, the Trikru team waded off the court, shagging their balls, placing them back in the cart as to not lose any. The thirteen girls huddled in a circle, receiving a small pep talk from Indra before they were sent onto the court, Arkadia’s four minutes had flown by, which would bring Lexa back to her current predicament.

The ball was being tossed to Griffin so the girl could serve. The blonde was eyeing Lexa, looking for something. When Lexa just stared blankly back at her, Clarke's gaze switched to Indra, who held up the number one.

"How the hell can she spot serve to one? she couldn't even get one ball passed the ten foot during warm-up" she muttered, her words being drowned out by the signal from the Up Ref for serve.

Lexa was entirely prepared for the ball to strike the net, and fall to the ground. What the captain was not expecting, was to hear the deafening smack as Clarke's palm hit the ball, and then to see the ball as it soared over the net. It was a float serve, so the ball wavered in the air before dropping just inches in front of the opposing team's setter. The girl was just shy of getting the ball up, awarding the first point to USC.

"A-C-E ACE! ooooh" the Trikru girls called out their ace cheer, huddling in a circle, congratulating Clarke on the strong serve.

It's just a fluke. She wouldn't be able to do that again. Arkadia must have been thinking the same because as the ball was tossed up for service again, none were ready for it to land just shy of the setter once more. After five more scored points, Trikru leading 5-0, Arkadia seemed to finally realize she would keep serving the same spot. The coach shifted the players around so that the libero would be able to get the ball up, and to the setter.

That plan worked, and now the teams had a volley going. The first pass from the libero hadn't been solid, so Arkadia had to freeball it over. It was easy for Clarke to release, making it to the setter spot right as the ball was passed with deadly precision to her. The blonde called out a slide for middle, giving Anya the perfect opportunity to slam the ball to the ground. However, Arkadia had other ideas. Their middle, a tall leggy girl, was able to get up and block the hit. Sending it rebounding back onto the Trikru side of the court. Emori barely managed to get it up, but sent it flying towards the ceiling nonetheless, Clarke sprinted for the ball, getting underneath it, but having virtually no one to set it to.

"Pipe! Pipe!" Clarke called the set hoping that someone would be able to get it.

Lexa acted quickly, maneuvering her body so she could swing deftly at the ball. The returned swing was unexpected but Arkadia made a play out of it, trying to get a hit over, only for Anya and Lexa to stuff it with a powerful block. Resulting in another point to Trikru.

Clarke traveled back to serve again, a smile firmly plastered across Lexa's face at the adrenaline and hype of the entire game. She watched as Clarke effortlessly tossed the ball into the air before swinging at it yet again.

***

The first two sets had gone by without a hitch. Trikru winning the first 25-14 and then the second at 26-24. Their third set, however, was a power struggle. Both teams were giving it their all, Arkadia was trying to bring it back, and by doing so it was making Lexa's job harder. She couldn't tell when they were setting up for a hit that she could block, or if she would have to drop back and cover as Anya and Octavia blocked the outside hitter. Several balls had already hit the floor on account of her slow pace.

Sweat dripped down her forehead, creating sticky trails down her cheeks, where they would eventually descend down her neck to disappear beneath the collar of her jersey. The score was 25-25 the win by two rule having already prohibited Trikru from winning. They just had to get to 27 and all would be well.

Arkadia, however seemed to have other ideas. The other team pushed hard, anytime Trikru scored a point, bringing them up by one, Arkadia would bring it back hard, tying up the score once again. Both teams were getting frustrated and tired. Unexpectedly, Griffing turned to the down ref, and motioned for a time out. Lexa was bewildered by that, the only person who called timeouts was Indra, the shocked expression on her face instantly became replaced with a smug smirk, realizing that Clarke would be scolded harshly for doing the one thing Indra told everyone not to do.

As her team trotted off the court, to make use of the one minute time out, the brunette captain waited for the harsh words to come out of Indra’s mouth. Instead the dark skinned coach turned her back on the rest of the group, talking quietly with Clarke. Lexa strained to try and hear what the two were saying, but she couldn’t piece it together off of the tidbits she was hearing. Something along the lines of a growl resounded in her chest, before she turned her back on the pair, snatching up her water bottle rather harshly and practically chugging the rest of it down.

“Lexa!”

At the sound of her name, she turned, expecting to see Indra staring her down, but the sight she was met with was both more pleasing and less. Clarke was standing in front of her, arms crossed over her chest, a hard look in her sky blue eyes.

“What?” If her voice was icier than necessary Lexa would say it was necessary. Clarke was looking at her as if she had done something wrong.

“Indra and I both agree, you need to get it together. You’ve been lagging on your kills, sending them straight at people who can easily pass it up.”

The girl basically gawked at the blonde, her expression one of pure shock. The audacity of freshman was sometimes so annoying.

“I think I would know if I’ve been doing a bad job”

“Lexa, you need to pick it up. Or I will have to start setting Octavia, seeing as she actually seems ready to hit the ball when I set her”

Lexa was shocked once more at Clarke’s words, and as she was getting ready to say something back, the whistle was blown, ending the time out. The girls all put their hands in the middle, and 13 pairs of eyes landed on her, waiting for her to call out a cheer.

“WIN ON THREE!”

“ ONE TWO THREE WIN!” The chorused shout seemed to shake each person of their team out of their revere, bringing energy back into them to finish the game off strong.

The six players flowed swiftly back onto the court, taking up theirs positions. Trikru had serve, and Arkadia seemed ready for anything, each player glaring in an equally threatening way to Lexa’s teammates.

Emori has taken Echo’s place in back row, the Libero had a strong serve, and could hopefully give them the final push to the win. The girl tossed the ball high into the air, a good toss for her jump serve. Her figure was a blur of motion as she took two steps, jumped and smacked the ball sending it flying over the net. The libero wasted no time getting to her middle back position, ready for any deep returns Arkadia might send at them. It was clear the other team was trying to set up for a hit, Griffin was able to tell everyone as much by yelling it was going to come deep corners. Lexa watched as Emori moved quickly, and just in time as well, her body just barely behind the ball as she sky rocketed it toward the ceiling.

The captain got set up for a hit, calling for a three ball, but as the setter got under the ball, it was obvious she had been serious, and she gave Octavia and arching set, giving the left side hitter enough time to get on top of it and slam it to the ground. Lexa had hoped that would end the volley, but Arkadia got it up, sending it back over in a simple free ball because they couldn’t control it. Again on Trikru side, it when pass, set, Lexa calling for the ball, only for it to be set to Octavia.

To say that Lexa was getting frustrated would be an understatement. She was pissed. Just because she was a little slow on her feet didn’t mean the ball shouldn’t get set to her at all. Her face became set in stone, and she picked it up. Diving for every ball even when it wasn’t hers, hoping her redound efforts would be noticed. All she wanted to do was strike at the ball, maybe hit one of the opposing players in the face, finally end the game.

Trikru must have scored when Lexa was momentarily lost in her thoughts, because the score was now 26-25, and her teammates were huddled in a tight group, wishing emori luck on her serve.

Lexa just wanted this game to be over so that she could go back to her apartment and crash on the couch. Though she doubted Indra would let her do that, seeing as she had been off for the entire game. The brunette wanted to blame it on the lack of their normal setter, but she knew it was just because Griffin was good, and she didn’t want to admit it to the freshman. Emori got lucky, her next serve was an attempt at short, which only barely rolled over the net, giving Trikru the set at 27-25, and the game at 3-0.

Her team lined up in an orderly fashion at the net, she shook hands with each girl, saying ‘good game’ ‘nice hits’ good game’ as she passed as a sign of sportsmanship. Once all fourteen people had made it through the line of Arkadia girls, they began to whoop and cheer, high off of winning their first match of the season. The team huddled around their coach, arms linked behind their backs as Indra spoke up.

“Well played, all of you, I know some of you are eager to go and be teenagers now, so you are off today and tomorrow, but we will be back in the gym on Thursday, with all of our new players I might add, for our first official practice” Indra was a tough woman, rarely smiled, and rarely laughed, which is why it came as a surprise to all as she smiled at them, before giving a final word “I’m proud of how you all played today with the change of setters. Now get outta here”

That’s what set the beasts loose. All the girls rushed towards the locker room, eager to change and get the hell out of the humid gym. Lexa knee they all loved volleyball, and they’d play any day of the weak, but she also knew they liked to kick back and relax every now and then.

She stayed on the court though, like always, and would wait for all the patrons and Arkadia players to filter out so she could take down the net.

“Clarke!”

The brunette looked up as the blonde’s name was called out by a foreign name, but the jersey she wore indicated that she had been on Trikru’s opposing team.

“Hey! Harper!” The blonde seemed equally as excited as the stranger to see her.

“We really miss you back at Arkadia. The new setter is good, but you were the best”

Lexa didn’t want to seem like she was eavesdropping, but she was curious about the blonde, so why not listen in on a conversation with someone who looked like a friend.

“Thanks Harper”

“I wasn’t expecting to see you on the court though, I thought transfers and new players didn’t get to play till second game”

She missed Clarke’s response, because she was shocked at what she had just learned. Clarke was a transfer, which meant she couldn’t be a freshman, because you can’t transfer that easily. And from what Lexa had heard, the process had been very smooth in getting Clarke accepted to the school.

“That sucks, well… “ Lexa missed the rest of what the girl Harper said, still trying to process what she had learned. But her ears did catch on to the last few fragments of her speech “scars… any new… how does therapy… “

That did nothing to help clarify anything, and before Lexa could become creepy, she moved over to the polls beginning to take them down and undo the net.

***

Clarke walked slowly into the locker room. Her body ached in all the wrong places from the impromptu game. She hadn’t worked out in over a month, leaving her not ready for the game today. Her hands came up to rub at her temples, trying to massage away the headache to no avail. Sitting down on the locker room bench with a grunt of discomfort, she placed her elbows on her knees, and her face in her palms.

Her wrist hurt from the amount of times she’d had to bump set rather than actually set. Arkadia was a good team, she should know, she only played for them for her freshman and sophomore year. Which had been over a year and a half ago, before everything went to hell.

Shaking all of those thoughts from her head she checked once again to make sure she was alone, before she began to rid herself of her volleyball gear. Her shoes came off first, followed by her socks, then the knee pads. Now came removing her shorts, which she quickly replaced with her jeans from earlier, and a new pair of socks, and her dark grey high top vans.

*depictions of self harm coming up*

Ruefully the blonde began to remove the tape on her wrist, revealing thin scars, in rows along her pale skin. Most were long healed, the only evidence of them being the pale line of scar tissue. Some looked worse than others, and some were just barely noticeable. Along with the old scars, there were new ones. Thin cuts that now had fresh blood bubbling to the surface and sliding across her wrist. Her face clouded with emotion, mad at herself for being able to harm her body so easily, and mad at the world for making her feel like she wasn’t good enough.

Though in truth Clarke knew she wasn’t good enough. She never would be, not for her mother, not for the person she had hoped to spend the rest of her life with, and certainly not for herself. And had the blonde not been so wrapped up in her thoughts, watching as the blood ran down her arm, she would have heard the locker room door open, and she wouldn’t be faced with a horrified Lexa as she watched the blonde just sit there with blood decorating her arm.

***

When Lexa opened the locker room door, she had not expected to see anyone inside. Most of her teammates were very eager to leave, so seeing the blonde sitting there in complete silence had been shocking. Griffin seemed to be someplace very far away, and Lexa couldn’t help but notice how she held her left wrist, the one that had been tapped, close to her chest. Her curiosity got the better of her, and she walked carefully toward the girl, not wanting to frighten her. Only once she was closer did the brunette realize blood was collecting along the pale expanse of Clarke’s forearm.

Lexa worries immediately the girl had hurt herself playing, but then green optics took in the scars, thin lines littering her arm, and the blood that was coming from newer cuts.

“Clarke…” she whispered, not meaning for the words to escape her, but she had spoken before he mind caught up with her mouth.

Saying the blonde’s name startled her from her revere, and she turned shinning blue eyes to Lexa. Who in turn was struggling to find something to say.

“Fuck, I thought everyone was gone.” Clarke spoke hastily, before she abruptly stood, pulling her shirt off, and sliding her previous grey camisole back on. The grey material cling to the red liquid exiting the blonde’s wrist, turning the once beautiful grey into a dark rustic color.

Clarke moved faster than Lexa thought possible, collecting all of her belongings, and she was out the door before Lexa could even speak a word.  
***

Now there were several things Lexa knew about his Griffin girl.

Thing one, the girl was going to cause quite a bit of trouble for Lexa, with her stubborn attitude that Lexa was guessing she had only seen a glimpse of earlier that day.

Thing two, she was astonishingly beautiful, and she somehow managed to look stunning even when sweat covered and flushed from playing volleyball.

Thing three, the girl self-harmed, for what reason Lexa didn’t know, but she did know this. Clarke was hiding herself away from the world. And even though Lexa already despised the blonde, her interest was piqued. And she couldn’t help but want to help the girl figure out how to love herself, and not want to hurt herself, or worse end her life.

Either way, Lexa wanted to figure the puzzle that was Clarke out, before something could change both of them forever. Putting their differences aside, Clarke was her teammate. And she was the captain. So technically, Lexa had a responsibility toward Clarke to make sure she was okay. And that’s exactly what she would do.


	2. The fighting never ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a rough night, but she ‘fixes’ it with a harsh workout at the gym. 
> 
> Before she gets dragged out to brunch with her friends, where and unexpected guest will make an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to a second chapter of this bumpy ride. I was not expecting such a positive response on the first chapter. This was something I started at three o’clock in the morning when my brain just wouldn’t shut up about this idea. So thank you all for the lovely comments and here is another chapter for you all. :)
> 
> Just a few things before you get started:
> 
> 1\. I messed up in the first chapter. Octavia and Clarke already know each other, so please ignore my mistake, and I hope that clears up confusion with this chapter if there is any.
> 
> 2\. I will go into more detail of Clarke and Harpers relationship on a later date do not worry. But for now enjoy the mystery. 
> 
> 3\. I am a volleyball player myself, so volleyball practices, games, etc might get a bit hard to understand at times. So please just let me know if there is any terminology you need clarified, or anything you need explained. 
> 
> And lastly,
> 
> 4\. I used to/still struggle with self harm and suicidal ideation myself. So at times I may get a little too detailed in how I explain Clarke’s self harming activities. I sometimes get lost in the fact that I won’t be the only person reading, because I like to write down exactly how I used to see things when I would cut or burn and what not. So there are warnings before every depiction of self harm or anything that could be triggering. And you will definitely learn more about Abby as the story goes on, and why she did what she did. 
> 
> One more thing lol,
> 
> 5\. Some of Clarke’s experiences with self harm do come from personal experience, but most of it is made up. I do that because I want the readers to be able to truly feel what Clarke is feeling in those moments. 
> 
> With that being said, enjoy the chapter :)

The walk home from the game was short, and Clarke found herself in her apartment before she realized it.

Her tired feet had carried her up the stairs, to door 312, her hands fumbled to open the door and then she was leaning back against the door, a sigh escaping her chest in a rush at being back in the comfort of her own home.

The blonde dropped her gear on the bench to the left of the door, sliding her shoes off of her feet, pulled her shirt over her head, and just throwing it haphazardly around the studio apartment. She carried herself almost silently to the bathroom, where she settled under the steamy flow of scalding water.

Clarke allowed herself to get lost in thought, the droplets sliding down her pale skin, though it burned, it relaxed each muscle in her body. She could feel as each tendon, ligament, muscle, and tissue loosened, the strain from the day washing away under the scalding water.

After her body felt thoroughly cleansed, though in all honesty, her body could never be cleansed of the tortures she’s been through.

Stepping from the glass confines of the shower, Clarke let the water drip off of her body and onto the tile beneath her. The girl stared blankly into her reflection in the mist covered mirror.

Her blonde hair was tousled atop of a petite head, her hands hung limp at her sides, shallow movements of her abdomen the only thing revealing that the woman was still taking in breath to live.

Moving aimlessly, she walked back into her room, sectioned off by an antique sliding barn door, and pulled a loose t-shirt over her head, one of her father’s old college shirts from when he went to Arkadia University, and a pair of black panties, before climbing under her duvet and trying to fall asleep.

Clarke knew it would be unlikely, to find peaceful slumber, but she could always hope.

***  
_***graphic depictions of self harm below***_

_The pain was instantaneous. The moment the razor split her skin, relief flooded through Clarke. She could feel something other than regret, sadness and fear. And it felt good._

_Her body craved more than just one cut, so she lifted the blade, watching for a moment as blood bubbled to the surface of her wrist, before moving the blade about an inch lower, and creating another cut._

_If this one was deeper Clarke paid no mind to it, only a grimace betraying that the pain didn’t solely bring her relief. The blood from both cuts joined together, creating a red river down her forearm._

_It still wasn’t enough for her though. The sadness she felt all the time was clawing its way back to the forefront of her mind. Bringing with it the memories that caused the pain, the things she had seen on that night. It had shaken her to the bone, and she couldn’t move past how her life had changed that day._

_Just as the blade was about to slice across her skin for a third time, and she planned to do a fourth and a fifth and a sixth. She didn’t know how many cuts it would take for her to feel better. All she knew was she needed more._

_A knock resounded on her bedroom door, snapping her head up, and blue eyes narrowing in on the pale wooden door keeping her blocked off from anyone else who wandered the house._

_“Clarke, honey, can I come in?”_

_Shit. It’s her mother. If she ever knew… Clarke tossed the blade into her desk, slamming the drawer shut a bit more forcefully than necessary, and quickly wiped a tissue across her arm, hoping to erase the evidence of her activity, and pulled the sleeve of her shirt back down. Her brows furrowed when the blood that had begun to look at the surface once more seeped into the cloth of her shirt, dotting it with evidence of her ministrations._

_“Yeah come in” she responded, trying to hide her right arm from sight, hoping that after six months, her mother wouldn’t discover today._

_The universe was not on her side however, because Clarke had forgotten to hide the blood covered tissue as well, and the second her mother walked into her room, saw the blood soaked tissue. She was on Clarke like a moth to flame._

_She inspected every inch of Clarke’s body, the doctor in her taking over her mind. When she got to Clarke’s arms, she was horrified at what she found. Lines and lines of scars, some were angrier, the scar tissue rising above the untouched skin of her forearm._

_It was obvious to the surgeon that those had required stitches after they were made, but the majority of the thin white lines were not to noticeable. One had to basically squint to spot the countless scars on the blonde female’s wrist, but it wasn’t hard to miss the three newly added cuts. The ones that still practically spat blood out of her body, as if the red liquid were infectious to the rest of her body._

_Abby started crying almost immediately, a shaking hand coming up to cover her mouth, to cover up the sobs that were beginning to wrack her body._

_Clarke didn’t last much longer, the tears she’d been holding back for months began to fall, her face contorting into one of pain and loss of who she is. Abby wrapped her arms around her daughter, holding her close, her fingers drawing mindless patterns on Clarke’s clothes back. Every now and then something escaped her lips, and the blonde couldn’t bring herself to make the words out, but she caught them every now and then, and she heard things like ‘oh sweetheart, what’s happened to you’ or ‘you’re safe honey, you’re safe’ any thing to make Clarke calm down._

_A few hours seemed to have passed before Clarke was able to seperate herself from her mother, but she still couldn’t meet her eyes._

_“How long sweetheart?”_

_“mom…”_

_“How long?” the question was a bit more forceful that time, whether it was out of irritation or protectiveness, Clarke couldn’t tell._

_“six months” was her quiet reply_

_Her mother’s mouth was open wide, her eyes blazed with shock, and possibly something more_

_“How dare…”_

_***_

Clarke jolted awake before she could experience the way her mother had screamed at her that day again. Her body was covered in a sheen of sweat, her blonde locks clung to her neck and the side of her face, her blue eyes were redrimmed and full of pain.

A sob wracked through her body, but she didn’t allow herself to curl up into a ball and be sorry for herself. Instead, the girl turned her head toward the clock on her nightstand, taking note of the fact that it was only 4:37 in the morning, and it would be awhile before the gym was open for Clarke to get her frustrations out.

However there was another option, of Clarke ran there instead of drove it would take her two hours, getting her there at around seven o’clock, and by then the gym will have been open for an hour. Deciding that pushing herself like that would be better than succumbing to her dreams once again, the female climbed out of her queen bed, shoving what remained of the sheets covering her to the foot of the bed, and lumbered over to her closet.

She pulled on a pair of spandex, a pair of running shoes, a sky blue sports bra, and a lightweight gray Nike tank top. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand, and checked for any notifications, she had a few texts from Raven, Harper, and Octavia. But other than that the blonde hadn’t missed anything important.

She slipped her ear buds in, and clicked on her running playlist in Spotify, and then exited the building. She took off at a brisk jog, her feet silent on the concrete sidewalk, her hair had been pulled into a messy bun, and Clarke could feel it bob with every step she took.

Her phone had been slipped into the waistband of her shorts, and her arms swung in rhythm with every step of her legs.

And if Clarke pushed herself harder than necessary as she ran, her muscles screaming out in protest as even after the first hour of her run had concluded she pushed herself faster.

Her legs burned, and if she stopped running she feared she’d not be able to keep herself upright. It felt as if her lungs couldn’t bring oxygen to her fast enough, it almost felt like she was choking, but Clarke pushed it away. She wouldn’t allow her body to shut down on the account of weakness. Weakness that she had created. Created when she let herself be fooled into a relationship. The weakness she had created when she had allowed herself to feel for the boy next door, only for him to shatter her heart in more than one way.

The girl had to physically shake her head in order to rid herself of those thoughts. When that didn’t do the trick she pushed herself harder, the balls of her feet digging into the ground and spurring her forward. She hadn’t even realized she had passed a few other runners, and she hadn’t even noticed she’d passed the volleyball team captain, Lexa was her name, if Clarke could remember correctly.

Though in all honesty, how could she forget the name of someone so stunningly beautiful, someone who had made Clarke feel something stir inside of her body, a feeling that made her want to turn and run the other way. But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t allow herself to act on any of those feelings.

***

Lexa was up for her usual morning run to the gym, it was almost six, which meant she’d get there at around seven thirty.

Only ten minutes into her run, a lithe figure charged past her, the persons steps were hurried, her arms swinging furiously at her sides.

It took a few moments for Lexa to realize, more like recognize the figure as Clarke. The girl from yesterday’s match. Their new setter. And the brunette had to resist from calling out to her, wanting to know why she was running so quick, instead Lexa just shook her head and refocused on her form.

She counted each footstep she took, and reveled in the way that it caused a jolt to course through her body, up her spine to flow out through her arms. Bringing her more energy to push forward into a faster pace.

***

There were many things Lexa expected when she walked into the gym. For example she expected it to be a ghost town, excluding one or two people who wanted to get an early workout in and the staff. She had expected for the music to be playing quietly through the intercom.

What she had not expected to see, was as she walked into the fight training/boxer section of the gym, which was equipped with a ring where people could spar, and punching bags, gloves, all the necessities to get through a workout in the room.

So what she had expected to see, was for that room to be totally empty. She was often the only one to use it this early in the morning.

So what the brunette had definitely not been expecting, was to see a certain blonde, who admittedly look way to good in the spandex and sports bra, especially with how Lexa could see her muscles tighten and loosen with each movement, to be striking at Lexa’s go to bag.

Instead of being amazed, which lets be honest Lexa was stunned with how outstanding Clarke’s form was, the way she punched and kicked at the mat was almost flawless, Lexa was a bit angry. The blonde had forgone tape, or any kind of protection for her knuckles, and was instead just slamming her fists into the bag.

From where she stood she could already tell the skin was being rubbed raw, on the verge of bleeding. Which lead to another thought. Clarke must do this a lot because if she didn’t, the redness in her knuckles would have already turned to blood, so the skin must be more resilient to the brutalities its wearer were placing on it

Aside from that annoyance, Lexa couldn’t help but admire the way Clarke moved with unrequited strength. Each punch, or kick was perfectly timed, as if she was actually fighting someone. And to back up that thought, Clarke performed a roundhouse kick, slamming her shoed foot into the bag. Her brief turn around must have given Lexa away, because now the blonde had stopped.

Shuddering breaths drew through her body, and the sheen of sweat collected on her body began to drip down her pale skin. Lexa watched as the blonde collected herself, having still not said anything since she noticed the brunette’s presence, before Griffin turned around, blazing blue eyes meeting forest green.

“Woods” She tumbled in greeting

“Clarke” Lexa murmured in response, her eyes still never leaving the blondes.

“Do you need something?”

“No… I usually just come here in the mornings and do a bit of training but we can share. It’s not a problem.”

Clarke seemed surprised that Lexa was also a trained fighter. And if once the captain got warmed up, she performed a few of her fancier moved to show off —because she had noticed Clarke’s gaze on her figure— she would never admit it.

Lexa was getting into a good rhythm when Clarke cleared her throat, halting Lexa mid punch. She turned her head to the blonde, green eyes sparking in slight annoyance at being interrupted.

“I was just wondering… do you maybe want to spar?”

The question was hesitant, shy even, and the girl looked as if she was expecting rejection. Lexa was surprised by the offer, but she let a tight smile grace her features and accepted with a curt nod.

“Sure, though I do request you tape your hands before we do so”

Clarke looked down at her red knuckles, then back at Lexa “I kinda have to have tape in order to do that”

“You don’t have tape?”

“I do, but I ran here, which was a two hour run so I wasn’t about to carry my backpack the whole way. So it’s at my apartment “

Lexa gave a nod of understanding before walking over to her own bag, and pulling out knuckle tape. She tossed it to Clarke, who quickly taped her left hand, if it was a bit sloppy neither girl said anything, before moving on to the right wrist. Clarke went a bit further up her arm than normally necessary but Lexa didn’t question it. Instead the brunette made her way over to the ring and climbed between the ropes to wait for Clarke.

***

Clarke was putting up a good fight. Lexa had not been expecting her to be skilled, quick on her feet and smart. Scratch that last one. Lexa could already tell from the first game that Clarke was beyond intelligent, and that she would be good for the team.

However, Clarke has seemed slow on the court, so in turn the brunette was somewhat expecting the same energy in the ring. Instead she got something totally different.

The blonde seemed to land more punches, as Lexa was stuck in a state of shock at how quickly and easily Clarke moved out of the way of her punches, or blocked her kicks, or took a hit and proceed to retaliate without pause. The pair were pulling their punches, but not to the point where it didn’t hurt when either landed a punch. It was getting hard to focus, Lexa had sweat dripping down her brow, and her arms were beginning to burn from having to block so many attacks. Normally Lexa likes being on defense, but Clarke’s attacks were so vicious, but restrained, that Lexa was having a hard time keeping up, and it was beginning to take a toll on her body.

The girl hadn’t had a solid spar with anyone since the last time she and Anya were able to meet up, and the lack of training seemed to be shining through.

But as she dodged another attack from Clarke, her keen eyes were able to pinpoint a weak spot in the blonde, and Lexa struck the next time Clarke pranced close.

Her left fist landed a blow to Clarke’s ribs, before her knee jammed itself against her left hip, effectively putting the other girl on the ground. However Lexa didn’t take a moment to celebrate her small win, instead she got down on top of Clarke, snaking an arm around the back of her neck and pulling it taught. The girl below her grunted in frustration as Lexa tangled their legs together, proving Clarke’s legs to be a useless way to escape.

The two were only in that position for a few seconds before Clarke tapped out, and Lexa let her go immediately, standing up and giving the blonde space. Both women spotted a few bruises, but only Clarke had the subtle drip of blood running down her arm. The green eyed goddess wanted to ask about it, but decided it wasn’t her place to pry. So she just stuck her hand out in courtesy, and gave the other females hand a firm shake

“Well fought Griffin.”

“You too Woods. You have a good defense, but you’d be so much quicker to defeat an opponent if you went on offense. You’re not big enough to have an unbreakable defense, but you are definitely lithe enough to have a strong offense”

Lexa knee her words were meant to be kind, but it still felt weird to be corrected by the girl, and before Lexa said anything she might regret she just gave Clarke a tight smile, hoping that it didn’t look to forced and turned her back. She could hear Clarke peel the tape off of her hands, and she could hear as the blonde trotted from the gym, but she didn’t once turn back around.

Clarke had a way of getting under her skin. When normally Lexa was one who didn’t get bothered by anyone or anything. But Clarke. She easily dug her way under the brunette’s skin, without breaking a sweat.

***

Clarke walked into her apartment, a small smile graced her features, and her steps felt lighter than they had earlier that day.

It had been nice to spar with someone, even if that someone happened to be the girl she wasn’t a fan of at the moment. Raven refused to spar with her, after Clarke almost broke her nose when she lost control of her anger. Harper was nowhere close to her level, and Bellamy wasn’t willing to spar, not since he broke three fingers trying to sneak up on Clarke.

A chuckle sounded in her chest, and she couldn’t help but let it turn into a laugh at the thought of that memory. Bellamy had been wailing in pain, and it had been quite funny for everyone but him.

She carried herself to the bathroom, and took a quick shower. The blonde was supposed to be meeting Harper, Octavia, Raven, and Bellamy for brunch at ten. And seeing as it was almost nine, Raven would be over soon to hang out beforehand.

Clarke had only just finished pulling one of her navy blue Lauren James shirts over her head, a drawing of a dog laying on its back with the words ‘livin the cozy life’ written on the back when the doorbell rang.

The girl couldn’t help but smile, excited at the prospect of getting to hang out with her friends in a big group for the first time in a while.

Adorned in faded blue ripped skinny jeans, and her long sleeved Lauren James shirt, the blonde walked leisurely to the front door, and swung it open.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” She teases instantly upon spotting the Latino standing in front of her door.

“Well… my wifey moved out and now the only place I seem to find her is here. Wouldn’t know anything about it would you?” Raven teased right back, a shit eating grin on her face the whole time.

“Well, I think your hubby might be around somewhere” the blonde let out a giggle at that, no longer able to hold back as she pulled the raven haired girl into a solid hug.

The two friends embraced each other for a good minute, having already begun to miss each other’s company, even though it had been less than twenty four hours since they had last seen each other.

Clarke dragged Raven inside, and practically pushed her down onto the couch and then placing herself directly next to her.

The two easily got lost in conversation, talking about the upcoming volleyball practices both would have to attend, and how Raven despised having to live on campus instead of joining Clarke in her spacious apartment. The pair of friends would have easily been able to talk for the rest of the day without even leaving the couch, but they did have others to meet up with, so eventually Clarke was being dragged from her home by Raven.

The only form of transportation Clarke owned was her motorcycle, so Raven would be driving them in her pick up, and as they climbed in, arguing childishly about who would control the music, the blonde found herself lost in the moment. No longer filled with the aching pain her dreams had caused her last night.

Once music genre was decided, the two began the drive to Cracker Barrel in almost complete silence, except for the occasional time they’d both burst out singing when they couldn’t resist.

***

The ten minute drive seemed much shorter, and as they pulled up Clarke easily located Bellamy, Octavia, Harper, chattering and whooping like animals a few spaces down in the back of Bellamy’s white pick up.

She scoffed at their imaturity and quickly hopped out of the truck, making her way over. She was greeted with practically screamed hello’s, and was enveloped in multiple hugs. First from Bellamy who lifted her a few inches off the ground, causing her to squeal in shock before he put her down. Octavia wrapper her in a warm hug, a smile tugging st her lips the whole time. And last was Harper, who only gave her a brief hug, neither of them big on prolonged moments of contact between each other.

It wasn’t like contact between them was awkward, it was just a boundary they had wordlessly set up, and it made things more comfortable between them.

“Shall we?” Raven joked, gesturing towards the door of the restaurant, wiggling her eyebrows in a seemingly suggestive way.

“If I have to” Clarke replied, a smug smirk making its way onto her features at the mock offended look Raven shot her way.

As they made their way inside, asking for a table, Clarke was about to say for five, when Octavia cut her off with—

“A table for eight please”

Clarke gave her a confused look, her brow cocking up in an I asked question. Which prompted a sheepish grin from Octavia, before the waitress lead her to their table at a circular booth.

The group got lost in meaningless conversation, talking about this and that, waiting for the final three guests to show up. And when they did Clarke was shocked to say the least.

She had certainly not expected to see Lexa and Anya walk toward their table, accompanied by a broad shouldered male whom she didn’t know.

Clarke whipped her head toward Octavia, a question clear in her eyes.

“I knew you wouldn’t come if you knew that Lexa was coming” she replied quietly as the trio finally made it to the table.

‘Damn right’ Clarke thought, before glaring daggers at Octavia who raised her hands in surrender.

Anya and the man, who introduced himself as Lincol sat down together. Lincoln next to Octavia, whose cheeks turned bright red as the brute complimented her outfit, and then Anya next to him. The only place for Lexa to sit was next to Clarke, who moved over grudgingly to make room for the green eyed goddess.

After hellos we’re exchanged between all, the waiter came over, introducing himself as Zach and beginning to take all of their orders.

***

Lexa sat uncomfortably in her cousin Anya’s car. She hadn’t wanted to come to the brunch, not much of a social being outside of the volleyball team. But Lincoln and Anya had both insisted Octavia’s friends were good company and that she would thoroughly enjoy being around them.

Anya even went on to insist that she would particularly enjoy Raven’s banter and sarcastic attitude. This prompted Lexa to raise a brow as she watched her cousin blush the more she talked about Raven.

“Don’t even” Anya practically growled, already knowing Lexa was opening her mouth just to tease her.

“I didn’t say a thing” the brunette replied cheekily, a smirk creeping onto her features.

The rest of the drive was taken in silence, Lexa playing with the hem of her Trikru university shirt, which she had paired with a pair of black washboard jeans and her steel toed boots.

As Anya pulled up to the breakfast place, she demanded for Lexa to promise she would play nice, and be open to being friends with Octavia’s ‘pack’.

Lexa agreed grudgingly, but the second she walked inside and saw who else was seated with the brunette at the booth, she immediately regretted it.

The sassy blonde who had been troubling her since the game two days ago was sat at the table, head thrown back as she laughed at something Octavia said.

In that moment all Lexa wanted to do was run her lips along the pale column of Clarke’s throat, see what made the blonde squirm, or call out for more, and then let her hands travel—

No. Stop. Do not finish that thought Lexa scolded herself immediately, clenching her fists at her side before resuming her walk toward the table.

Just her luck, Anya and Lincoln sat down opposite the blonde, leaving Lexa no choice but to scoot in next to her, muttering and awkward hello before burying her nose in the menu, glaring at Anya over the top of it.

Her cousin however just gave her a sly smile in response, before redirecting her gaze to who Lexa assumed was Raven.

After everyone was introduced, conversation began to flow, only slowing when the waiter came to take their orders. Once the brunette no longer had a menu to hide behind, she couldn’t help but let her eyes run over Clarke’s figure. Practically drooling over the way she could see the jeans hugging at ample curves, and the way the baggy t-shirt did little to hide the smoke clevage from view.

She felt someone kick her under the table, yanking her out of her reverie, her green orbs coming to find Anya’s brown ones, giving her a look that told her she had been staring.

The girl blushed at having been caught, but really she couldn’t be blamed. A beautiful women sat next to her. How could she not stare. At that thought her eyes were drawn to Clarke’s features, taking in her plump lips, then back up to her striking blue eyes. The blonde offered her a small smile when their eyes met, and Lexa simply got lost in those endless blue eyes.

Oh fuck. This was going to be a long brunch, especially with the way Clarke drew her bottom lip in between her teeth, biting down ever so slightly.

Lexa was totally fucked. And this brunch could not end soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this whirlwind of a chapter. Comments and kudos are always appreciated. A new chapter will be posted at some point next week :)


	3. Don’t Hesitate to Tell Me Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa enjoy a bit of an awkward brunch with their friends, before they travel into the gym to take part in their third practice of the week. 
> 
> Clarke has a hard time during practice, and as much as she tries to hide it, Lexa notices. And wants to do something to help her, but she doesn’t know how. So she settles for something different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the very long wait. Life got ahead of me, and then I got carried away typing their first time together for this work. 
> 
> As I stated earlier I already have a bunch of chapters typed up, and a lot planned for this work. I know when, how and where they will get together for the first time, but I don’t want anything to seem rushed. So I’m trying to figure out how to piece it all together and make it seem natural. 
> 
> Anyways, here is the chapter. Chapter four will be posted later today because my beta was so kind and agreed to edit it under such short notice. Because while chapters are typed, I’m going back and adding minute details to spruce things up. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter loves :)

Lexa fidgeted in her seat next to Clarke, unable to join in on the casual conversation the rest of the group was having. 

She and Clarke could barely be counted as acquaintances, and with the way their first meeting had gone, Lexa was worried she’d fuck up yet again. Wanting to find something to talk about with the blonde, she wracked her brain for anything. Which fortunately took her back to that morning when they had their impromptu sparring session. 

“So how did you get into fighting?” The brunette asked hesitantly, not knowing if it was a touchy subject or not. 

Her question, apparently, had been heard by everyone at the table, and Raven was the first to answer. 

“Ole Clarkey here learned to fight when she was sixteen. Some not so good circumstances sparked the interest” the raven haired girl paused, a weary and nostalgic look passing across her features. “Do not spar with her though, she has a habit for breaking other people’s bones”

“Hey! It was one time Raven! I broke your nose once!” Clarke grumbled, her hands flying up in exasperation. 

“Well what about the time you broke four of my fingers?” Bellamy piped up, a cheeky grin across his face

“Ok that was your fault” Clarke tried to protest, but was quickly cut off by Octavia adding,

“Ok and what about the time you broke my wrist and then the next time we sparred you broke my big toe!”

That seemed to do the trick as the blonde threw up her hands in surrender, an apologetic look crossing her face. 

“Ok I admit I do get a bit aggressive” a quiet laugh escaping her chest as she spoke, from what Lexa could see the blonde was trying terribly hard not to laugh out loud at the situation. 

“Well I guess it’s a good thing we already sparred” Lexa spoke up happily, a smirk across her face at being the only one to survive Clarke’s wrath in the ring. 

Many protests of 

“And no broken bones?!”

“What the fuck Griffin?!” Came from Raven, followed by someone trying to swing a punch at the girl’s arm. 

Soon everyone was laughing and trying to tackle Clarke without making to much of a commotion in the restaurant. Their mini fight would’ve continued if their server hadn’t come out with their food, placing designated dishes in front of who it belonged to. 

“I bet Lexa held her own” Lincoln spoke to the whole crowd for the first time. 

Lexa shot him a smug look, her eyebrows wiggling suggestively. 

“Oh I bet she did” Anya added with a snicker. 

Lexa kicked her cousin under the table, and if looks could kill, Anya would be dead. The brunette didn’t miss the double meaning behind the dirty blonde’s words, and it was making her quite uncomfortable. 

Clarke chose this moment to speak up, relieving Lexa of the awkward situation. 

“Although it wounds my pride to say this, she actually won the round we went.” 

Shocked gasps followed that statement, including Raven and Octavia ‘fainting’

“We never thought we’d hear those words leave your mouth Clarkey” Raven pretended to be on the verge of tears, her bottom lip quivering to make it look all the more real. 

“In her defense” Lexa spoke up now, grinning from ear to ear as she got lost in the easy banter between friends “she put up a decent fight. I mean. I didn’t really have to work that hard for my win”

The blonde next to her gasped in offense, shoving at her with one arm. 

“I’m going to call bullshit on that. You can bet your ass I put up a fight.” The blue eyed beauty paused, a smirk coming across her face as she processed her next words “but by all means, say I didn’t put up a good fight. I bet that isn’t what you were thinking when you were trying to get out from under me” 

Lexa blushes from head to toe at the double meaning. Sure Clarke had pinned her for a couple minutes, in the most awkward position possible. The brunette had had her head pressed against ample cleavage, if her mouth opened she would have been licking the salty skin. And her hand had been trapped between Clarke’s legs, unable to do much besides flail uselessly. It had clearly messed with Clarke’s game when Lexa had accidentally brushed against the clothed center, giving her a window of escape. 

“Excuse me what now?” Anya asked with a devilish grin, her orbs sparking with interest at the new found information. 

“Oh yeah. I got her under me for a few moments, she was practically drooling when she got out of my hold. Weren’t you Lexa?” A smirk made itself known on Clarke’s features as she turned her head toward Lexa, a brow raised to emphasize her question. 

“Uh. No. No. Wrong. I wasn’t… I wasn’t drooling. I was sweaty.” she protested, her hands clenching and unclenching anxiously.

“Likely story” Anya snorted, her head shaking in disbelief.

***

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at how flustered she had been able to make Lexa feel. She wasn’t entirely sure when she threw her grudge out the window and allowed herself to embrace Lexa, but she didn’t mind. It was never that she despised lexa, she just didn’t like how the captain, or Commander as people said she was called, had made assumptions right off the bat because of her grace level. 

Clarke joined Anya in teasing the brunette, whose cheeks just seemed to get redder and redder with every comment. 

“So… all of you play volleyball?” Lincoln asked, obviously attempting to redirect the conversation. 

That was all it took apparently. Everyone began excitedly talking about what position they played, how they got started and so much more. Clarke was beyond excited as she listened to Raven talk about her position as libero. The Raven-haired girl hadn’t been able to play after she injured her leg, but the amount of devotion she pushed toward playing, she deserved to be on the Trikru university team. Clarke practically jumped in her seat as Raven talked about her comeback, and how much work it had taken. 

Octavia elaborated on why she played right side even though she was in fact a very strong left side hitter. Something to do with how she approached, and the different environment the two positions brought. 

Eventually though, conversation began to die down, and it was obvious people were getting antsy to leave. She and Raven were the first to go, laying down money to cover their meals and then heading out the door after vicious goodbyes from their friends. 

As Clarke scooted last Lexa, she placed her mouth next to her ear, and spoke in a whisper only the brunette could hear. “Better watch yourself Woods. I’ll get you back for this morning” before she sauntered out the door after Raven, but not before seeing the shocked look on the Commander’s face. 

***

_Two weeks later…_

Clarke and Raven walked into the gym, practically one on top of the other as they gossiped about god knows what. The pair headed straight for the locker room, to get changed for practice, and to hang out with the rest of the team. 

Both were greeted with enthusiastic hellos from everyone, _except_ Lexa obviously, who simply nodded in hello. Even after the brunch thins between her and Lexa were still tense. And the blonde could understand why. At the first practice Indra announced that she and Lexa were going to be co-captains. That had not gone over well. Especially when the Commander yelled at Coach, and the whole thing ended with all sixteen girls having to run ten full court suicides. 

To say the least that had not been a good start to their season. 

But the punishment put Lexa in her place, and she no longer protested when Indra called the two of them over to discuss how a practice would go. The brunette just seemed to not acknowledge Clarke as her fellow captain. 

Now in the locker room, everyone seemed to cluster around her locker now, talking about this and that, and needless to say Clarke was pretty popular not just among the team, but throughout the whole school. Not just for her looks, because let’s face it, Clarke was very well aware of her body, and how it looked. The blonde was very confident in her image, and didn’t mind showing it off every now and then. But she was mostly known for her artwork. 

It was no secret the girl was an art major, and many of her paintings have made it into galleries, and they were well loved. 

She had an entire Instagram account dedicated to her art, and the abundance of followers she had was just a portion of the amount of people who loved her art. So she was recognized all over campus, people asking for her to do portraits of them and what not. 

A girl had to make money somehow. 

But among the team, people just seemed to love her carefree attitude, and the way she could crack jokes so easily, while simultaneously be serious. 

“Alright ladies, lets get onto the court!” Indra yelled out above the bustle of thirteen teens moving around and talking, laughing and their many antics. 

Without another word from Indra the team filtered out of the locker room and into the main gym where a net was already set up, a ball cart only a few feet away. 

“Pepper for the next ten minutes, and then we will get started”

Clarke immediately look for Raven as a partner, and the Latino had graciously accepted her offer, giving her a playful shove as their usual banter started up. 

The 6 pairs of two lined up on both sides of the court, and each pair warmed up their shoulders before beginning to Pepper. Clarke and raven started off just bumping back and forth, getting into a rhythm, both calling the ball, and not making it to easy for the receiver to keep the ball up. 

“Down ball” Raven alerted, giving the blonde just enough time to get low and dig the ball. It went soaring into the air, an almost perfect pass from her, as the other set it back to her for her to hit a down ball. 

Their new pattern of pass, set, hit, continued. Only pausing when there was a shanked pass, or a down ball that couldn’t be returned. 

“Alright! Huddle up ladies!” 

All of the balls were caught and tossed into the basket as they gathered around their coach, and Luna who was hoisted on a pair of crutches, her booted foot raised the smallest bit off the ground. 

“Welcome to your third and final practice of the week. I know it’s Thursday and you had practice yesterday and Tuesday. But we do have a game next week, and with new teammates, I want to be prepared to face them.”

Their were some groans of protest at what Indra said but most held their tongues. 

“Today were going to start with some simple serve receive drills. So can I get Raven, Monroe, Tris and Clarke to go on the other side of the net. Thank you” 

Coach paused, looking at who remained crowded around her on this side of the net, “and can I have Lexa, Emori, Anya, Octavia and Echo go behind the serve line. The rest of you, go to the other side, to fill in after each play. The first person to pass the ball will be the one who filters off the court.”

As the rest of the team took their positions, Indra turned to the girls who were on the other side of the net. 

“You all have five minutes to get to twenty five. It must be pass, set, and then a hit in order to count. Clarke you won’t rotate out, but everyone else, after the ball gets sent over if you were first touch you will filter off. Understand?”

“Yes coach” the girls responded in unison, and got ready for the drill to start. 

“You five will serve until they get to twenty five, or until they run out of time. One at a time and please be ready to serve.” 

Indra blew her whistle to signal the start of the drill, and started the stopwatch. 

Lexa was the first to serve, the ball coming over as a strong float, but Raven was more than ready, and was able to just barely get behind the ball and push it up. Clarke ran to get under it, calling out a set to Tris, who easily hit the ten ball over the net. In synch the group called out ‘one’ their first point towards twenty five. Only twenty four more to go. Clarke knew however it was only going to get harder, seeing as they all had their energy right now, and that was only the first serve of the day. 

***

Clarke had been correct in her prediction that it would only get worse. After scoring fifteen points, not even consecutively, they got stuck. They were tripping over their feet, and sliding over the floor. It was hard to keep a steady pace through the whole exercise, seeing as it was very speed based, and the serves we’re coming one after the other. Their teammates on the other side seeming to have no remorse for them. 

“Pick it up ladies! You’re getting sloppy!” Indra yelled at them as eh another ball dropped on the ground in front of a girl. 

Clarke couldn’t speak for the others, because they got a break in between their plays, but she was already burned out. Chasing after balls that were shanked, just to get it up so someone could hit it was exhausting. She knew they were trying their best, but as the sweat beaded and dropped down her face, she couldn’t help but be irritated with their seemingly lack of effort. However instead of yelling at them, she simply put a forced smile on her features and called out. 

“Come on ladies just one pass! You got this!” 

Hoping her words of encouragement could help boost their energy. Momentarily it seemed to work, because Raven got a solid pass and hit in. Getting them to sixteen, and then Tris and Monroe both got two solid passes in. Both getting shots over taking them up to eighteen. But they got stuck again. The remainder of the five minutes was spent with Clarke chasing after balls, trying to set her teammates to no avail. 

A loud whistle rang through the gym, halting them all in their spots. “Times up. You all will have seven suicides at the end of practice.” Indra announced, before turning back to the five who had yet to be on the receiving end. “You all switch sides with them, Roma stay on that side. You will be doing it with them as well. But you will only have seven suicides at the end. No matter how well or poorly these five do.” 

Roma gave her coach a nod in response, staying put where she had set herself up. 

“Clarke! Are you good to do it again?” The dark skinned woman's gaze came to rest on the blonde who was breathing rather heavily, her hands over her head, blue eyes shut, only to open when she heard her name called. 

“Yeah I’m good coach” 

“Ok. So Clarke will still set for you all, now get ready to go.”

***

Lexa felt bad for Clarke. Having watched the blonde run after shanked passes, in desperate attempts to get them up for someone to hit, only for the others to be slacking. It was hard work to be the sole setter, so having to do the drill twice must suck. 

To prove her point correct, about a minute and a half in, Clarke was pressing her hand into her side, most likely suffering from a cramp, and her face was contorted into one of pain. 

The brunette grimaced as Echo shanked a pass, and the blonde setter desperately ran after it, not wanting them to have a massive number of suicides at the end. Clarke ended up diving for the ball, pancaking her hand just before it hit the ground, and as the ball bounced off of her knuckles, Emori was just quick enough to smack the ball hard, sending it flying over the net. 

There were several shouts of “good hustle Clarke!” “Nice save!” From various people, including Lexa calling out a simple “nice up” 

Clarke returned to her spot at the net, just shy of the center of the net, her gaze on the other side of the court, waiting for Raven to serve the ball over the net. 

Raven had an easy top spin serve, an advantage to her being the libero who went in for Anya meant she never served, tossed the ball high and sent it soaring over the net. 

The serve was deep left corner, coming straight for Lexa, so the brunette maneuvers her body to get a solid pass in, sending it right to Clarke. 

The blonde in return took her two step approach and set the ball high at the net for Anya who had called out a two ball. 

“Nice, you girls are at ten points and have two minutes left!” Indra called out from where she stood off to the side. 

Lexa jogged off the court and back into line where she would wait for her next turn to be on the court. She let her gaze travel, observing how each person responded to a serve, and how their form varied with each pass. No one was consistent in their movements, a problem that needed to be solved. 

She would bring it up to Coach and Clarke later, to see if they could get it worked on. 

Their remaining two minutes passed, and Lexa’s team managed to get to twenty, pulling most of it out of their ass’, but Lexa was just happy it was over. Indra gave them a five minute water break, and told them to congregate by the net once their thirst was sated. 

Indra gave Clarke a once over, making sure that the girl was okay. 

It was while she chugged water from her bottle that she allowed herself to take in Clarke. The blonde was bent over, her hands resting just above her knees, blonde curls that had earlier been in a neat ponytail, were falling out in wisps and clinging to her skin. Slicked with sweat, and beads of it dropped down her blushed cheeks, to create salty trails down her neck. 

Her chest rose and fell with heavy breaths, and her eyes were half closed. The girl was in pain. One that was greater than the pain of being out of breath. 

Concern filtered through Lexa, her brow furrowing as she watched the exchange even closer. Indra was leaning forward, a dark hand wrapped loosely around Clarke’s shoulder, her hazel eyes watching the setters every move. 

Just as she was about to walk toward the pair, Indra leaned back, and Clarke righted herself. Straightening her back, and standing up straight, waiting for the group to huddle up for the next exercise. 

***

The rest of the practice had gone without a hitch. The team had scrimmaged between each other. Six on six. Since they only had one setter, they switched the teams up after each set was finished.

They spent the majority of the scrimmage time practicing new runs, working on form and just he flow of the team back on track. 

For Lexa, having new team members was always hard. The newcomers also messed with the previous dynamic that had been between the returning players. And Lexa wasn’t a fan of change either, so it was always harder for her especially to accept the new girls. 

But, Clarke, Raven, Monroe, Maya and Fox has all proved to be valuable additions to the team. Monroe — although her first name was Zoe, she didn’t mind(and seems to prefer) being called by her last name— is a powerhouse, and the freshman will help to _devastate_ other teams with her no bullshit attitude while on the court. 

Off the court, Monroe is a total sweetheart albeit a bit aggressive but a sweetheart nonetheless. But on the court? The girl never once cracked a smile, not even when her teammates congratulated her on a strong hit or a perfectly timed block. 

Lexa has definitely been impressed by her stoicism, and she knew right away that she and Monroe would get along just fine.

  
  


As practice came to a close, she noticed Clarke and Raven off to the side whispering between each other, a bright smile on the blonde’s face as the Latina next to her giggles along to whatever she is saying.

  
  


Lexa found herself smiling at the two, wanting to join in, wanting to know what made the blonde smile like that. And how to do it again and again.

  
  


_‘Where the hell did that come from?’_ She thought, her brows furrowed as she tries to figure out where the want to be the one to make Clarke smile that came from. 

For gods sake she’d only had one _maybe_ two real conversations with her. And in the first one, she had been thoroughly irritated by the blue eyed beauty. 

The captain, or as her friends jokingly called her ‘the commander’ had been so wrapped up in her own head, she hadn’t realized Indra had begun talking, drawing the practice to an end. She dismissed all of them after telling them she had been a bit disappointed at how the practice had started out. But the ending had been better, and she needed the same energy for the math this weekend against Mount Weather University. 

“Take down the net, and then you all are free to be normal college students” Indra finished with a chuckle, before she turns and walks from the gym. 

The brunette knew she’d be the only one to actually stay and take the net down. Everyone knew she liked the solidarity of doing it by herself. The quietness the gym brought, aside from the occasional clunk of metal against wood as she carries the poles back to their place in the storage unit. 

After cleaning up the gym, she would walk to the locker room, her arms loose at her sides, her footsteps practically silent as she steps with great care, as if any noise would bring forth an unwanted sight. 

Entering the locker room she expected to be the only one, like always, but she wasn’t. Clarke was still there. Like she had been last time. And the time before that. 

“You seem to be making a habit out of staying later than everyone else” Lexa commented, startling the blonde minutely, but all she got was a smile and warm chuckle in response. 

“No? Nothing to say?” Lexa teased cautiously, not knowing where the boundary was between the two of them. 

“Well, it’s Thursday, they all have classes and things to do tomorrow. Family dinners to plan for since some of them lived in state before they came here, whereas I don’t have classes tomorrow, nor family dinners to plan. So I stay here, and pretend I have shit to do so I don’t look like a looser” Clarke finally explained with a laugh, the smile faintly disappearing at the talk of ‘family dinners’, only to return in full force a few seconds later. Though sharp green eyes were able to tell it was a bit forced. 

“No family?” was the quiet question the left her lips as she sat down across from the girl, her head cocking slightly to the side. 

“None that wants me” came the reply, a lone tear falling down her cheek. “I have family. But she doesn’t want me. Not after what I’ve done” 

Lexa was about to ask what the blonde had done, but she stood abruptly, and far to fast for her to say anything, and walked out of the locker room with her bag slung over her shoulder. 

“What the hell was that all about?” her voice drifted into the silence of the room, no one around to hear or answer her question. 

Clarke Griffin has peaked her interest her again. And all she wanted to do was ease the pain she could see so clearly in ocean blue eyes, and find whoever had hurt Clarke so badly, and give them hell. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I think I have a thing for cliffhangers. But don’t worry you’ll eat a chapter four later today. 
> 
> And just out of curiosity, if you all would be kind enough to comment how slowly you want me to take the relationship please do leave feedback. I’m having a hard time with the timeline, and I would love to hear what you all would like to see happen. Till later today :)


	4. Drunken Adventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girl's volleyball team of Trikru Uni have a team bonding party to further integrate the freshman into their team dynamic, and Lexa learns a bit more than she bargained for about Clarke and her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised here comes chapter four :) 
> 
> This chapter is quite a bit lighter than the other three, simply involving a team bonding event and everyone learning more and more about each other as people and as more than just teammates. 
> 
> Also just out of curiosity; does anyone whose reading this know or play red dead redemption 1 and/or 2?

Clarke was curled up on her couch when she got the text from an unknown number, with several more unknown numbers inside the chat. The only numbers she had on her phone were Raven's and Octavia's, which left her all the more confused.

**Unknown:**

**This is just a reminder that team bonding will be happening Saturday night at my apartment starting around five o'clock.**

**Clarkey:**

**Yeah... okay, but who are the people in this chat?**

**Unknown:**

**This is Lexa.**

**Clarkey:**

**Ah. The asshole >.<**

**Asshole >.<:**

**Very mature Clarke.**

**Ravenclaw:**

**Oh please Lexa, you knew that would happen. It's Clarke for god's sake. She's just beginning to get you back for beating her in that spar session.**

**Asshole >.<:**

**oh, boohoo.**

**Luna:**

**You guys need help.**

**Anya:**

**Preach sister.**

**Ravenclaw:**

**You guys are just sad you can't join in on making fun of Clarkey girl over here.**

**Anya:**

**Unlikely.**

Clarke rolled her eyes at the childish behavior of her best friend. She put her phone down, letting the group argue without her because, why add fuel to a burning fire. Her phone kept dinging as more texts piled in from her teammates.

**Ravenclaw:**

**Smart choice Clarkey. Leaving the conversation while we argue.**

**Clarkey:**

**You know me ;)**

**Monroe:**

**I'm just here to get the Commander's address... so can I just get it please so I can mute this dumb chat?**

**Ravenclaw:**

**Wow. Feel the love, Monroe. Feel the love.**

**Monroe:**

**Don't you know it, Reyes**

**Asshole >.<:**

**Apartment 314, TonDC Street**

**Monroe:**

**Thanks, Commander *blowing kiss emoji***

**Asshole >.<:**

**No problem Monroe. And now I'm going to remove myself from this conversation so Reyes will shut up.**

**Ravenclaw:**

**Unlikely Cap. Unlikely.**

**Clarkey:**

**Raven shut up or I'm divorcing you**

**Ravenclaw:**

**Noooooo! Ok fine, I'll shut up.**

**Octavia:**

**I'm curious but at the same time... I don't want to know.**

**Clarkey:**

**See y'all on Saturday ;)**

***

Lexa groaned as the last texts flooded in, her eyes rolling back into her skull.

' _I knew I was going to regret creating that group chat.'_ the brunette raised her hands to rub gently at her temples as if she could rub away her growing irritation with the new girls on the team. Saturday was bound to be strange get-together. 

***

_Saturday Afternoon..._

Lexa sat in her apartment, books, and worksheets spread out all over her desk. Majoring in biology, exercise science, and exploring possibly studying law gave her a huge workload. She wasn't expecting any of her teammates to come over for another three hours since she told them to show up around five o'clock.

The green eyed female allowed herself to fall back into her work. The distraction was a good one, and she got quite a bit done for her biology classes, including almost finishing a paper on the genetic mutations that cause cancer, and what can be done to further improve treatments for such cancers.

It had been maybe an hour and a half of uninterrupted work time when there was a knock at her door. Her brows furrowed in confusion, but she got up from her chair and walked toward the oak wood door.

She has dressed already, in a pair of faded gray skinny jeans, they accentuated her thighs, and the muscle that the girl held there, and she wore a simple 'here for a good time not a long time' shirt with a sunset fading in the background of the words. So Lexa knew she was wearing appropriate attire to answer the door.

What she would find when she opened the door would surprise her, and that surprise would show on her face as the door swung open to reveal the one and only: Clarke Griffin.

"Clarke?"

The blonde offered her a weak smile before her voice filtered into the air around her ears.

"Sorry, I know you said to come around five, but my mom texted me. She wanted to come over, and I know that means endless lectures about whatever is plaguing her. or whatever she feels the need to school me on now. And even if I tell her I'm busy she'll just show up, and if I'm home when she shows up, she won't let me go anywhere, even if I actually do have plans, so I hope, and if it's not okay I can just ride my bike around the city until it's time for the get-together, but I thought I could maybe hang out here, so that when my mom does show up I won't be home and she'll just go home. I get it though if you don't want me here, we aren't friends, and you never really seemed to like me, so I understand if you want me to-"

"Clarke!" Lexa (almost) shouted in exasperation, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder. "maybe if I could get a word in I could tell you that it is perfectly fine for you to hang out here until the rest of the team starts to arrive."

The captain gave Clarke a warm smile, stepping aside to let her inside her apartment.

"Sorry, I tend to speak way too fast or way too much when I get nervous" a tight chuckle followed the confession.

"Don't worry about it. I move too much when I get nervous, so I get it." She sent Clarke another kind smile before she directed her into the rest of her apartment. "Excuse the mess, pursuing two majors is not easy."

"What are you studying?" the question was hesitant as the guest sat down on the couch, watching quietly with kind blue eyes as Lexa returned to her desk and started to get back to work. Only taking notes so that she could still talk and keep Clarke entertained.

"Biology and exercise science" 

"Damn you have to be dedicated to those"

That caused Lexa to let out a strong laugh, pausing in her note-taking to look over at the blue-eyed beauty. "What about you?"

"Graphic Design and Studio Art. My mother doesn't agree, but it's what I love to do so" her speel ended with a shrug, and her teammate to shuffle self consciously in her seat.

"The relationship with your mom. Is it not a good one?"

"No definitely not a good one." Clarke pauses, her gaze catching Lexa's curious green eyes, seeming to be searching for something in the depths of her gaze. She must have found something because she continued a few moments later. "My dad was killed when I was thirteen. He was always the one I got along with. But after he died, my mom just got worse. She practically ignored me, picked up extra shifts at the hospital. I don't know, I think she blamed me for it for some reason. I never asked about it. I just accepted it. And now I do not like the conversations we have. So I mostly just ignore her. It works until she hunts me down"

Clarke laughed at that statement, her posture had become tense during her little speech, but now she seemed to relax, seemingly fine with the way she had just exposed herself.

"Sounds joyful" Lexa deadpanned, a smile forming on her features.

"Oh yes. She is the best." Clarke laughed for a moment, before adding "she deserves the mother of the year award for how good of a job she's done."

"Oh I bet"

The conversation became a lot less tense after that. The pair talked about whatever made the conversation flow. Ranging from volleyball to high school relationships to simple hobbies that the two of them held, and everything in between.

By the time five o'clock rolled around, Lexa knew significantly more information about Clarke, though she could tell that the blonde was much more guarded surrounding certain topics. They were ripped out of their little bubble by a loud knock on the door.

The brunette had long since set up all the snacks and cleaned up the living room space.

"Should we let them in?" Lexa asked teasingly, her face scrunching up as she held back her giggles.

"I guess, though I wouldn't mind not having to share these snacks with Raven. That bitch can eat."

She couldn't hold back her laugh at that, enjoying the way Clarke sent a spiteful look at the door. With a final eye-roll toward the blonde setter, before she walked toward the door, and swung it wide open. Upon opening the door, the captain was greeted by the faces of her teammates.

"Come on in" She invited, gesturing to the expanse of her apartment. 

It took no further invitation for everyone to flow into the area. Lexa recognized everyone, mentally telling herself who was here and who wasn't.

_Maya, Echo, Anya, Raven, Octavia, Monroe, Roma, Emori, Fox, Luna, Tris._

That was everyone, excluding Niylah who had already informed the group she'd be showing up late. Family dinner or something like that.

"Well, food and drinks are served!" Lexa announced, a smile lighting her face as everyone rushed into the kitchen to get some alcohol into their systems.

It was going to be a long night.

***

Clarke was probably on her fourth beer and had already consumed two shots of tequila. She was on the drunker side of tipsy but she was still sober enough to have coherent thoughts.

"Let's play never have I ever!!" raven shouted from where she lay on the floor, beer in hand, and probably drunker than most of the other girls.

Many shouts of 'why the hell not' and 'fuck it' followed the statement, so the group created a circle and began the game.

"You have to take a drink if you're guilty of doing that thing," Raven announced smugly "So I'll start. Never have I ever not play volleyball"

The only people who took a drink we're Tris and Monroe. Both explaining that it took them a few years of switching sports to find volleyball.

"That was such a chicken question Reyes" Luna scolded "Gotta be bold. Never have I ever had a _drunken_ one night stand"

Clarke raised her glass in a toast manner and tipped back the glass. She was guilty of this one, an embarrassed smile crossing her lips as she realized she was the only one to have taken a drink.

"Explain Griffin!" Octavia cheered out.

"What I had just broken up with someone, and got a little wasted. Some girl approached me and we had a good night." Clarke winked at Lexa at the comment, who seemed to blush at the comments. "She couldn't even remember my name when I was between her legs."

Clarke had no shame when it came to sex talk. She was a sexual being, she loved to mess around with people, dabbling a little bit in one night stands, friends with benefits, whatever would satiate her needs. Plus it always made her feel smug to watch other people squirm uncomfortably when she talked unabashedly about sex.

"Jeez, griff. TMI. TMI" Luna coughed out, though Clarke could see the way the girl was looking at her now.

"Oh please Luna, you're just sad that you don't have these skills" she flirted, sending the curly-haired dirty blonde a wink.

That comment caused quite a few people to choke on their drinks, coughing fits springing up throughout the group.

"On that note, never have I ever had a one night stand in general" Octavia distracted everyone away from the odd conversation that was beginning to start between the two girls.

Now for that, several people had to drink. Clarke was joined by Lexa, Anya, Raven, and Monroe.

"Damn this team moves around!" Octavia exclaimed

"Ok ok ok..." Monroe spoke up now, "Never have I ever slept with a girl" the dark red-haired girl smirked at that, knowing that quite a few people would be forced to drink for that.

"That's cold Monroe" Clarke muttered around her drink.

Lexa, Raven, Anya, Tris, Fox, and Luna joined her, all glaring daggers at Monroe for the intentional jab towards the bisexual and homosexual people in the group. Though not in an offensive manner.

The game continued for the next thirty minutes, and Clarke had to tap out when Raven started trying to expose the number of kinks or times she'd hooked up with someone.

Raven called her a pussy, but she still just flipped her off and went off to explore the rest of the cozy apartment. She wandered off into the bedroom. The blonde hadn't wanted to invade Lexa's privacy but the party was getting a bit too crazy for her, so she simply sat on the floor at the foot of the bed. The blonde had only been in the room for a few minutes when Lexa stumbled in.

"Oh sorry" Clarke grumbled immediately, standing up so fast she almost fell over from a head rush.

"You're fine, the party is just getting a bit crazy. You can stay" Lexa reassured her, collapsing onto her bed face down.

Deciding to be bold, Clarke flopped down next to the girl, covering her eyes with her hand, a huff of breath escaping her chest as she settled into the soft mattress.

"You know Griffin, most people go on a date before climbing into bed with someone," Lexa told her with a smirk, her green eyes staring intently at Clarke's features.

"Oh shut up Woods. I'd be too much for you to handle" she retorts, pushing gently on the brunette's shoulder.

"Oh please, I could handle you just fine. Is you who wouldn't be able to handle _me"_ her words were a bit slurred from the alcohol.

"Keep kidding yourself, Woods"

"Me? No, _you_ keep kidding yourself"

"Oh please"

The two fell into a slightly awkward silence, blue eyes met green, and refused to look away. Clarke noticed how her companion's eyes darted down to her lips, though she wasn't sure if she had imagined it. It seemed as if the two of them had somehow gotten closer, and Clarke found herself raising a hand to cup Lexa's cheek. She knew, later on, she'd blame it on the alcohol. Would blame the alcohol for why she licked her lips in anticipation. For why she allowed herself to keep getting closer, even though a voice in her head yelled for her to back away before it went too far.

Against all of her better judgment, Clarke let their lips connect. It was soft at first, but they both soon put the pieces together that they needed more. So, the blonde rolled over so that she was straddling Lexa's hips, and she ran her tongue along the female's lower lip, tugging it between her teeth, silently begging for entrance to the brunette's mouth.

Just as her wish was about to be granted, someone came barging into the room. Clarke jumped back as if she had been burned, putting enough distance between to make it seem like they had simply been talking.

"Claaaaaarkeee!! There yooooou areee!" Raven exclaimed stumbling into the arms of her best friend and gazing up at her from her bent legged stance.

"How much have you had to drink sweetie?" 

"Juz ennough to bee aaa biiiiit ddrunnk"

"Okay..." Clarke looked at Lexa, who was still in a daze from the earlier activities. "Im going to take this drunkard back to my apartment."

Lexa just nodded in response, her green optics still wide with shock.

"S-see you some other time" Clarke murmured, the shock of their earlier situation finally catching up to her brain.

With that Clarke walked Raven out of the apartment and toward her bike to take her home.

***

Lexa just sat stock still until Clarke was gone. She had no idea how they had ended up in that position, with Clarke's lips on hers. The soft feeling of the blonde's lips on hers still remained, and she couldn't shake it from her mind.

She rejoined the party, trying to get the gorgeous blonde off of her mind. Lexa was going to blame it on the alcohol. Was going to blame it on the haze clouding her brain for why she had allowed herself to kiss Clarke. 

Lexa just needed to keep it from happening while she was sober because if it happened while she was sober, she knew there was no going back. No matter how much her brain had enjoyed it tonight, she was going to blame it on the alcohol. And never talk about it with Clarke. 

The two of them could just forget it happened right? Right? That would be a question fro Lexa's sober brain tomorrow, but she feared she wouldn't like the answer.

***

A few blocks away Clarke was having the same struggles. Questioning why she had allowed her body to move that close to the other girl. Now all she wanted to do was forget about it. But would she be able to? 

Probably not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this light chapter and the chance to see a drunk Lexa do some careless flirting with Clarke. Also, thank you for the feedback on how slow of a slow burn y'all wanted this to be. 
> 
> Don't worry. They kissed, but they will not get together for quite a while. You all are still getting your slow burn ;)


	5. Wake me up (When it's all over)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a rough night. Raven is there for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoy this chapter. I'm extremely sorry for such a long wait, this chapter was written and deleted several times. I will have a chapter posted tomorrow because of such an abrupt end to this chapter. I hope this tides all of you over until then. Again I am very sorry for such a long wait.
> 
> *UPDATE 12.27.2019*
> 
> I am so very sorry for such a long wait between chapters. I lost my inspiration to write this story, and suffered quite a bit of writers block about how I want this to go down, and how I want Lexa and Clarke to get together. I am almost done writing Chapter 6 and I have several chapters for later in this work written up, because I had some major inspiration for when Lexa puts the pieces together and talks to Clarke. Chapter 6 will be posted either late tonight or early tomorrow morning. I am finally getting back into my writing, and I have several other pieces I am now working on for Clexa. I hope everyone is doing well, and again I apologize for such a long wait >.<

Clarke had finally managed to get Raven to fall asleep in the guest bedroom. Her eyes drooping as she makes her way into her room. Her mind was still clouded from the effects of the alcohol, so when she stumbled into her bed, pulling out her phone to get music playing off of her Spotify. She hardly noticed which playlist she selected.

The playlist just so happened to be ‘Sad boy hours’ a playlist she had created days after her father’s ‘accident’ as his former boss liked to call it. Though the engineers' daughter suspected it had been something more.

Placing the phone on the bedside table, she laid back into her pillows, her brain trying to comprehend what had happened earlier that evening with a certain green-eyed brown-haired female. The kiss had come out of nowhere, and the harder Clarke tried to think about it, the more it made her head hurt.

Pushing the thoughts away, she focused on the music filtering softly from her BlueTooth speaker. 

_That old phone of mine, 2:39 A.M._

_When I got the call_

_Half asleep Thought it was a dream_

_But it wasn't after all That old dog of yours_

_Sitting on the porch waits for you to come home_

_Little does he know that you won't_

_Be walking through that door_

_Used to You by_ Luke Combs was playing, and as she focused on the verse she couldn’t help the sob that escaped her mouth. The song spoke directly to her. It had been a year old when she first stumbled upon it, just days after her dad’s death. 

The moment the lyrics had hit her ears, the blonde had broken down crying, knowing exactly what the song was saying, how she would never get used to him being gone.

_But I'm getting used to that old truck of yours sitting out in the drive_

_I'm getting used to you not being there at church on_

_Sunday night I'm getting used to the radio playing_

_Without you singing along_

_But I'll never get used to you being gone_

As the song continued, Clarke found herself drifting into an uneasy sleep, one that would certainly be filled with memories of her father and his unexpected passing.

***

 _“Clarke! You’re supposed to_ **_fix_ ** _the car! Not ruin it further!” Her father’s voice reached her ears and she couldn’t help but giggle at his idea of ruin._

_“I’m not ruining anything! I’m making it more beautiful!” the response was indignant, it’s speaker not happy that her work was said to be ‘ruining’ the car._

_It was then that her father, Jake, came into sight. He had a faux serious expression, and his arms were crossed teasingly over his chest._

_“Oh really? Please. Explain to me young lady” his voice was light, obviously messing with his only daughter as he stared at the splatter of white paint against the royal blue of the Jeep. “How that makes it look better?”_

_An eyebrow was raised after he finished speaking waiting for Clarke to explain herself._

_“Well,_ **_father_ ** _I will have you know. It adds originality to it. So now your car isn’t like everyone else’s”_

_“Is that what that is? Originality?” Jake took a step closer to the blonde, looking as if he was trying to examine the girl. “That’s not even a real word. I think, you just don’t want me to know that you messed up and don’t want to admit it”_

_The greying man nodded his head to confirm his statement. As if that ended the conversation he surged forward, pulling Clarke over his shoulder so she practically hung upside down over his shoulder. It never ceased to amaze her how her father could always lift her effortlessly. No matter how much she grew, and filled out her once awkward and clumsy teenage body, Jake could always pick her up without popping his back out._

_“It is a word! I swear!”_

_“Liar!” Jake taunted, spinning in a circle to disorient Clarke, who was now clinging onto his shirt for dear life. “Admit it! And I’ll put you down!”_

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Clarke shrieked in response as her father pretended to be losing balance and on the brink of dropping her._

_“I’m sure you don’t” Jake grunted, kneeling and ‘tossing’ Clarke onto the ground._

_The pair were engaged in a tickle war, rolling around on a freshly mowed lawn. Turning white shorts to a tinted green, and colorful shirts into an off brown looking color. Their tussle would have continued for much longer, but the front door opening and the sound of a females voice carrying over to them broke them apart._

_“If you two animals can separate yourselves for a bit, I have ribs waiting to be eaten on the table. I’m sure Cooper wouldn’t mind me giving them to him. God knows we starve that dog.” Abby added the joke at the end, as a lean framed dog loped up to the front door, fluffy tail wagging after hearing his name._

_Clarke pressed a hand over her chest, a gasp escaping her chest, “MOM! How can you even think to offer my ribs to the dog? I worked hard for those!” came the ‘offended’ remark, a pout forming on her features._

_The white lab, technically a yellow lab but his fur was practically white, so the family cuts the corner and just calls him a white lab, barked at her before charging out the door. This started a whole new tussle, as Clarke and Cooper began to roll around on the grass. The blonde doing her best to growl at the dog, while Cooper growled, darting in and out of reach as they played. Jake eventually got involved, tackling his daughter to the ground so that Cooper had an easy plan of attack._

_“Good boy Coopey! Get her! Right in the face!” Jake laughed, encouraging the labrador as he licked and slobbered all over Clarke’s face._

_“I guess I’ll be eating all of the food then?” Abby spoke up, the smile clear in her voice._

_Clarke was finally able to wrestle out of her father’s grip and sprint into the house, though Cooper was only a breadth away from landing on her scurrying feet._

_“Ribs here I come!” She shouted into the empty house, charging straight for the dinner table and plopping down in her usual seat to the left of the head of the table._

_The teenager wiped her face of slobber with a dish towel, and tried to calm her ruffled blonde mane, even though it was simply a family dinner. Her parents joined her moments later, broad smiles on their faces, Jake pausing to press a kiss to the top of her head, and give her shoulder a gentle squeeze. He sat down and began to pull food onto his plate, and as he did he was gentlemanly enough to serve his wife and daughter as well._ __  
  
The two women thanked him with a warm smile and a light peck on the cheek from Abby. The family began to eat, talking about anything and everything that came up, ranging from politics, which got Abby and Clarke into a heated conversation over the electoral college before Jake broke it up with a joke about how horrible it was to have two alpha females living in his house, to how work was going for the two adults. Both of her parents were rather successful in their chosen fields, her father being a highly sought after engineer, and her mother being the head of cardiothoracic surgery at Arkadia Hospital. Sometimes Clarke felt pressured that she had to be successful in whatever she was going to do, but her father always reassured her that no matter what she did, her parents would always be proud and support her dreams.

_When the dinner began to wrap up, Clarke was honestly surprised both of her parental figures were still home. The family rarely made it through a dinner without someone be called away to work. However just as the thought crossed Clarke’s mind, her father’s cellphone went off, and he was called away to work. Some super-secret project he had said, was encountering a few life-threatening errors and he was needed right away._

_The two women wished him luck and told him to keep them updated on when he’d be home. Neither of them was naive, they both knew his work sometimes kept him out of the house for weeks at a time._

_What Clarke didn’t know, was that that was the last time she would see her dad alive._

_***_

She jolted upright, tears streaking down her face at the last joy-filled memory she had with her father. She and her mother had had no idea what was going to happen. They had no idea that there would be an explosion, that his life would be taken from them so soon. A choked sob escaped her chest, and a shaking hand came up to cover her mouth. The urge to cut was at the forefront of her mind but she shoved it away. Well, she tried to. It stayed in the back of her mind as she thought about how her dad had been there one day and gone not even two weeks later. The news of his death had reached them just two days before Clarke was set to return to Arkadia to resume her sophomore year after winter break. 

Clarke had gone back to school only to end up being sent home for public misdemeanors on campus. She had been shocked her mom hadn’t found out then what she’d been doing to her ‘perfectly built body’ that her mother had ‘made herself’. If anything it took her mother the longest to discover her coping mechanism. And once she did she sent Clarke to therapy, not even caring what her then twenty-year-old daughter had wanted. Through said therapy, the blonde met Raven, a.k.a her best friend. The girls had bonded over their struggles and past with self-harm and began to help each other through episodes, and vulnerable moments.

Like now. The blonde must not have been very quiet in her sobbing, because moments later slim arms were wrapping around her waist and the warmth of another body pressing against her back.

“You’re okay.” the words barely registered in Clarke’s mind as her body instinctively curled closer to the warmth of another person. It had been so long since she’d allowed someone to hold her.

Raven whispered small nothings into the air, just trying to settle Clarke’s nerves, and get the blonde to stop crying. When the Latina had woken up around two with a raging headache and a dry throat, she wasted no time in getting up to get water, it was out of luck that she’d even been able to hear the sobs coming from the room down the hall. But once she heard them, she knew Clarke needed her. Raging headache be damned, nothing would stop her from helping her best friend.

So that's how the friends found themselves tangled together, tears steadily flowing from sharp blue eyes, but as they slowed, and her breathing steadied, the only evidence of her turmoil was the wet spot on Raven’s tee, and the small hiccups that broke the silence every couple of seconds. Delicate pale hands clutched at soft fabric as if the girl was afraid Raven would leave.

“I’m not going anywhere” she promised, running her hand along a curved spine, trying to ease Clarke’s mind. The blonde simply whimpered in response and pulled herself closer to the solid presence of Raven.

“I m-miss him so much” were the words she managed to stutter in between harsh breaths. And as she spoke her eyes began to tear up once more, and the shaking of her lean frame resumed, blonde hair falling to frame her pale face.

“I know sweetie. I know” she murmured in response because she did. 

The Latina knew how much her father’s death had torn her apart. She was there when Clarke reached rock bottom when Clarke wanted to end the fighting and the pain. Raven had been there for it all. She had the unfortunate pleasure of watching the blonde completely fall apart with no one to hold her up. Until her. Raven somehow gave Clarke hope again, which seemed to be the only reason she was even here today. 

After almost two hours of silently sobbing into Raven’s chest, she finally fell asleep around four in the morning. Raven fell asleep as well, holding her best friend tight, afraid to let her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't murder me. I hope this tides you over till the next update. Which will be tomorrow, if it's not I will give y'all four chapters in one day. Comments and kudos are always appreciated. Thank you all so much for the support  
> *y'all will still get four chapters in the span of three days so yay :)*  
> -Sid


	6. Practice and Food Equals Girl Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week after Clarke has her breakdown, school starts up, the girls have practice almost daily, free time is limited. Clarke is gaining a mentor from Luna, and she definitely appreciates it. Lexa is toeing the line of friendship, however cautious it may be. Octavia, Raven and Clarke go out to dinner and spend some quality time together like they aren't stress filled college students. Chaos ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not going to lie, my confidence in this work took a hit. I was getting ready to post and it felt like someone threw a brick of doubt at me. I deleted the whole thing three times and restarted three times. I don’t even know if I like how it ended up, but maybe you guys will.
> 
> Please enjoy the read, and let me know what you think. I am truly sorry for saying I would post weeks ago and haven’t posted until now. I’m hoping that just by getting this posted I will feel better about my writing.
> 
> 6k+ chapter, so it is kind of long. Enjoy :)
> 
> *edit* Will try to post chapter seven tomorrow. I have most of it typed. Just a matter of getting it edited.

They didn’t talk about it. It was never mentioned. Nights like that, Clarke and Raven rarely talked about them. Acknowledging that they happened was always worse then pretending it hadn’t happened.

Clarke knew Raven would hold it close to her heart, not forget about the pain she was in, but she wouldn’t bring it up either. The ravenette would never talk about it unless Clarke was the one to initiate. And she would never talk to someone else about it, no matter how much they pestered her to talk. 

That was over a week ago. School had started up three days after that dreaded night, and Clarke’s presence became scarce. Between classes and practice, the blonde didn't have much time to socialize and be present. Raven understood, she didn’t complain when a Clarke declined offers to hang out, she didn’t grumble when Clarke barely spoke two words at practice. She knew what to expect. 

But the rest of the team, that was a different story. They didn’t understand that this was Clarke. More of a recluse than the bubbly girl that had joined them on the court those first couple of practices. 

Coach Indra was very well informed about the blondes mental issues, so she was aware of the fact that this behavior was to be expected. Most of the girls, mainly Echo, Emori, and Niylah, just let it go. They asked once if everything was okay, and when all they got was ‘I'm fine’ they let it go. Knowing subconsciously it wasn’t their place to bother her about it. 

Lexa and Octavia weren’t keen enough to just ignore it(it being the attitude change). And they certainly didn’t. Both brunette’s asked several times during a practice if she was okay, or whenever they saw her and she wasn’t smiling. Octavia was doing it because she had known Clarke since high school. Lexa claimed she was doing it simply because she needed to know if her personal life would mess with her ability to play on the court. 

Each and everytime Clarke would tell them it would not interfere with her focus. And each time she proved it to them by giving an exceptional set and performing well during a hard practice. the perfect set, or a stunning pass. Eventually they would have to let it go. Logically speaking right? Maybe. But perhaps that is just wishful thinking.

Octavia has known her for several years, specifically speaking seven, but that's besides the point. 

The brunette knew when it was time to call it quits. After meeting Senior Clarke as a rookie Varsity volleyball player, she knew that the blonde was tough as nails, and stubborn as hell. So, naturally it was the belief that she would eventually give up and wait for Clarke to come to her. To talk about what was going on. If that time came, then Octavia would listen.

***

A Thursday night found the thirteen girls gathered around Indra as they planned to run hitting lines, and just work on form. Not a tough practice per say, but it would help to keep them in shape. 

Luna, although injured, came to practice as a mentor for Clarke. Helping the newbie to fit in with the group, and learn how the cogs and wheels of this well oiled machine worked. Currently, Clarke stood at the net just off the centerline, her arms poised and ready to lift so her fingertips could greet the rough surface of the ball and send a slide for Anya. The dirty blonde sent it hammering into the ground, the resounding smack a joyous sound ringing throughout the gym, filling everyone with a sense of pride.

It never mattered who was hitting. Whenever a solid hit was delivered during practice or a game, any person could practically feel as pride flows through each teammate toward whoever delivered the blow. It was always about the team. A bad hit, and you get pumped up by the team. Telling you you’ll get it nextime or whatever cheerful quip they can come up with. Keeping everyone fired up is how the team worked. Keeping everyone strong and hopeful. 

“Outside three ball!” Lexa called out just in time for Clarke to return her gaze to the passer and get under the ball. 

The set was sloppy, her fingertips not fully connecting to the ball. It spun out of her hands, the twist on it causing it to be lower than a three ball should be, and Lexa had to rush her approach to get the hit. 

“Clarke!” Luna called out, drawing azure orbs to her injured form on the sidelines. “When you go to set a three ball, push forwards not up. You want it to be lower but still have a nice arc to it so that at the peak,” she made a gesture of when the ball gets just above the net, “Lexa, or whomever is hitting, can swing a ten foot hit rather than a deep corner. Make sense?” 

Clarke mulled over the information she was given, and gave a hesitant nod towards the older setter. She thinks she gets it. The blonde calls out for Lexa to go again, and the captain lines up, ready for the ball to be sent rocketing her way. Clarke watched as Emori sent a pass towards her, mind already turning the gears to enable her to set. She contacted the ball just as Luna had instructed, light fingertips, and pushed forward rather than up. It still wasn’t perfect, but Lexa was able to make her actual approach and swing at the ball. 

“That was much better!” the senior called out to her, “Now just push it up a little bit more, you don't want to take Lexa out toward the pole. She won’t be able to safely hit at the ball from that far out.”

“So a combination of up and out? But more out?” Clarke reiterated the information she had gathered, trying to make sense of it.

“Yes basically. Just think of it as a one ball for outside if that makes sense?”

“I think I know what you mean” the blonde returned her attention to the court after Luna knew she understood the instructions she was given. 

Lexa sent a stiff nod toward the setter, obviously giving Clarke a begrudging Lexa version of a thumbs up. A small chuckle passed from the blonde’s jaw, her lips curling into a soft smile. The moment was brief though, and as the brunette fell back into line behind the rest of the outside players, her emerald gaze moving away from Clarke, the blonde focused back on setting the other players good sets. 

With each call, “one ball!” “slide! Slide!” “flare!” Clarke slowly inched towards confidence in her ability to set for the team. This was the fourth practice Indra has dedicated to hitting lines, and letting Luna coach Clarke. 

The blonde honestly felt somewhat guilty for having to take time away from drills and running plays, but Octavia and Roma had both quickly put her guilt to rest. Both women forcefully laid it out for her, telling her that they had no issue working on different hitting styles, and that as a team they needed to get used to her setting anyways. The freshman had given them a taut smile, thanking them for making her feel better about how she felt that she was holding back the team. In honesty Clarke had always been self-conscious and unconfident in her abilities as a setter, seeing as she had started out as a defense specialist, and had always been focused on going to college as a DS.

As Lexa came up to get set again, Clarke waited for the brunette to call out her ball, and she only waited a few moments before Lexa called out a three-two ball. A sharp glare was sent her way as the blonde lined herself up to give her the requested set. As the commander gave her approach, a small smirk was across her features, so obviously she knew exactly what her call had done for Clarke.

_ Oh i’ll have to get her back for that.  _ Clarke grumbled to herself, her glare following Lexa as she jogged to the back of the line once more. Three two balls are a pain in the ass to set, any outside hitter knew that, and almost always only requested them if she and the setter had previously talked about practicing them. However Lexa and Clarke had not talked about it, so the blonde had not been expecting the call. 

“Nice set Griffin!” The outside hitter that currently fueled her anger yelled out cheekily.

“Yeah just you wait Woods.” she muttered, a smirk adorning her features as she allowed devilish thoughts to fill her mind with ways she could get back at the team captain. A full bellied laugh was heard in return to her mumblings, and only caused her glare to sharpen in response.

With a heavy sigh, she let the annoyance of such a set being called out of nowhere flow out of her mind, instead focusing on giving Echo a solid back set. The brunette struck the ball with such a force, it left Clarke smiling on the inside at the fact that she could set her teammates up for strong hits. Once more she was congratulated for her set, Echo was hyped up and cheered for as she ran to shag her ball. 

Practice continued on for the next hour, periodic breaks set up for the girls, so Clarke wasn’t always moving and receiving no break.

“Alright ladies! Wonderful practice. Really excellent job today! I know no one was really expecting to be running hitting lines for the majority of practice, but I'm glad that you all took it in stride” Indra spoke up from where she had been watching, effectively stopping the practice and herding the girls into a loose circle around the coach. “I appreciate all of the support and willingness you all have toward helping Clarke get herself worked into our system. There are a few of you, whom I won't name,” a pointed stare is sent toward Lexa and Anya “who still need to get over themselves and just let Clarke do her job. But other then that, you all have been wonderful in adjusting to her being here, and I’ve heard very good things from her about the kindness you are all showing her. Keep it up ladies.”

Indra cast a stoic smile at the group, reaching forward to put a hand in the middle, which caused the team to follow, each girl placing one hand in for their end of practice cheer. 

“We have practice early tomorrow. Three to five thirty instead of four to seven. I know some of you will be a few minutes late because of classes, but I have a meeting with the board at six, and I do not trust any of you to be in here practicing while I am absent.”

A collective chuckle waved through the gym, smiles lighting up the faces of each volleyball player as they all recalled different times when Indra had left them to their own devices. 

“So, on that note… Lexa would you call it out for us.” 

“ **Ability…** ” Lexa started out, and the rest of the girls joined in only seconds later. 

“is what you’re capable of doing.  **Motivation** determines what you do.  **Attitude** determines how well you do it. Stand tall, look sharp, be proud on three!”

“one, two, three”

“Stand tall. Look sharp. Be proud!” the team yelled into the empty room of the gym aside from them.

“Great practice ladies see you tomorrow!” Indra hollered before she began to make her way towards the exit. 

The girls broke into small groups, beginning to talk and discuss any plans they had for the night, or if they had stuff to do tomorrow. Raven, Octavia, and Clarke grouped together and walked in the direction of the locker room, voices hushed as they discussed their evening plans like it was some top secret mission. Lexa and Anya were following suit, except they were barely talking, just walking in the same direction, acting like they sort of knew each other.

It was always a strange thing for Clarke to watch how the two friends interacted with each other. Especially since there was never much interaction between the two of them, unless it was outside of school. At school, the pair acted like mortal enemies in Clarke’s eyes, and it is highly amusing to witness.

Tuning back in to Raven and Octavia, she caught the tail end of the conversation,

“I know this great Tex Mex restaurant, even Griffin would like it” Octavia exclaimed, arms flapping around her petite frame to boost her claim.

“Well, what if I don't want to go out to dinner with you two?” Raven retorted immediately, a pout making its way onto smooth features, brown orbs shining as if she was a hurt puppy.

“Suck it up buttercup!” Clarke teased, poking Raven in the ribs before charging into the locker room to escape Raven’s retaliation.

“Yeah what she said!!” Octavia hollered after them, a laugh bursting from her chest as she watched the scene unfold.

Clarke didn't bother to pay attention to the girl, her mind focused solely on staying out of Raven’s range. She was literally jumping over the locker room benches to keep away from the pursuing Latina. It was freeing to partake in childish activities. The weight of everything going on in her life right now lifted just slightly by acting like a kid again with her friends. Raven began to spew expletives every time Clarke managed to stay out of reach. 

“Damn you Griffin, I will get you back!” 

The blonde did nothing but laugh in response to the words, her hands coming to grasp at her sides as she joined Octavia in her howling laughter.

“I hate both of you so fucking much” the latina seethed, her face contorted into an expression of faux rage. 

Both girls just made hearts with their hands, a smirk forming on Clarke’s face as Raven flipped them off in return. The blonde turned away from both girls, giggles still bubbling out of her chest, a smile firmly in place on her previously saddened face.

“But seriously Rey, you are coming out to dinner with us right?” the worry was evident in the girl’s azure hues, her brows slightly furrowed as she tried to decipher whether or not Raven had been serious about not wanting to go out tonight.

“Of course you dumbass! We haven't hung out as a group since before the season started! I’m not missing this for the world!” came the immediate reply, a dirty sock thrown her way to prove the point.

Clarke gave a nod of satisfaction, the smile returning to her features as she watches both Raven and Octavia hurry to lose their practice clothes and put on outside world clothes. She shook her head at their antics but hurries to join them, pulling her t-shirt up and off over her head. With the garment removed, a toned midsection was revealed, pale skin contrasted starkly by the dark ink of the several tattoos on her torso. The scene laid out through the tattoos was beautiful, along her ribs is a forest of trees, the leaves just beginning to fall from strong branches, a pack of incredibly detailed wolves, at least six of them, scattered under the canopy of leaves. It looked like each wolf had been painstakingly pin pricked so that each strand of fur would show up. 

Out of all that one could see at a quick glance, each wolf looked healthy, happy even. Yet there were two in the shadows. Bigger than the rest of the pack, their eyes glowing red instead of sharp yellow. These two were fading. The fur blended into bone, more of the skeleton was showing with each passage of ink. Almost as if the pair were fading from the memory of the pack. Like they didn’t exist. Well they used to exist at least. Upon closer examination one can tell that the ink creating the skeletons is newer. Fresher than the rest of the beautiful artwork. 

It truly is a beautiful piece, one that Clarke finds herself staring at all the time, lost in how she managed to change it from something full of life to fit how she feels now. The original work had just been the two wolves. Her and her father. Always just the two of them, with the pack(her friends and family) off to the side. Not as important. But their own presence was still noticed. Now the two wolves were fading, being forgotten. Which is exactly what Clarke feels is happening. 

A heavy sigh escapes from her, tears prickling at the edges of her eyes, threatening to spill over. A clearing throat tears her out of her head, a vigorous shake of her head further pushes away the memories of getting the tattoo. 

It was Lexa. Of course it was. The girl always had to talk to Clarke after practice for some reason. A pointed look crosses her face, irritation obvious in azure orbs as she waited for Lexa to speak. 

“Sorry…” the captain mumbled softly, her body language screaming insecurity as she picked at the sleeve of her practice shirt, her shoe scraping along the tiled floor with every nervous sweep of it, “just you’ve been standing here staring at the ground for like ten minutes. Raven and Octavia are outside. Told me to tell you to hurry up”

“oh…” her voice trailed off when she noticed the silence of the locker room for the first time. “I got lost in my head, didn't mean to be in here for so long” 

She had barely begun to change, all she had managed to do was remove her shirt, the tape from her wrists, and switch her sports bra for one of her lace bras. Which looks very uncomfortable, but the material is actually so soft and flexible that Clarke wears them even when she isn’t trying to get laid. Her torso— well just about every part of her— was on full display in front of Lexa, and as the reality of the situation settled in her mind, her cheeks and chest became red, blue eyes darting around for something to cover up her body. 

Too late. Lexa had already checked her out, emerald gaze stopping on the forest tattoo, to continue up moments later and stop on yet another tattoo, this one more of a tribal sigil than anything else, moving up to her clavicle, where a faint and broken infinity symbol sits. One end of the loop closed perfectly, a symbol of the passage of time, yet the other end was shattered, three pieces of it falling away as life changes forever. 

“Those are remarkable…” Lexa remarks, her gaze stuck on the infinity symbol on full display. 

Her words were truly sincere, not snarky or anything like Clarke had been expecting from the Captain. Clarke honestly hadn’t even expected to be complimented. She had already been preparing comebacks for when Lexa mocked her lack of focus, or the fact that she was standing half naked in the locker room for more than ten minutes. 

“o-oh” came the stuttering of her voice, which seems to have lost itself after Lexa’s words rolled off of her tongue. “thanks. I got two of them done when I turned eighteen,” the blonde admitted quietly, remembering her mother’s disapproval when she returned home with two tattoos. “The other one came a few years later,” she added softly.

The tribal sign was only a recent discovery of hers. She had been looking through her fathers things as directed by her mother, who wanted to get rid of a lot of it, when she came across an old book of his, it detailed his heritage and who his ancestors were. She felt like she made herself closer to his spirit by getting the design imprinted on her skin. 

The brunette just continued to stare in wonder at the inked drawings. The amount of detail in them suggesting that there was a picture reference or a drawing to reference. 

“They are beautiful.” Lexa repeated, a dumbfounded look across her face simply because of the details imbedded in the skin. 

Clarke only offered a smile before turning to her locker and grabbing her light grey t-shirt adorned with ‘Trikru University’ in dark green letters. The flush from earlier was ever noticeable on pale skin as emerald hues quickly looked away from her now covered body, like the other had just realized the situation they were in. 

A chuckle rumbled from the blonde’s chest, finding it funny that Lexa was only just now embarrassed by what had just happened.

***

It was probably ten minutes later when Clarke finally leaves the locker room and heads towards the exit of the Athletics Building. Just as Lexa had said, Raven and Octavia were sitting on a bench just to the right side of the doors. 

“Let’s go bitches!” were the words Clarke chose to yell in order to announce her presence to her best friends. 

“Jeez finally!” Raven exclaimed, immediately shooting up off the bench and rocketing towards the parking lot. 

Both Octavia and Clarke burst into laughter at her urgency. No one could get in the way of Raven and food. The girl just eats and eats and eats. Never satiated and always wanting more. It’s surprising that she isn’t fat considering her eating habits. In preparation for going out after practice they had all ridden together in Clarke’s 2011 Honda CR-v, so they wouldn’t have to worry about driving separately and all that fun stuff. 

“I get to control the music!” Octavia shouted at Raven, her hands cupped around her lips so that Raven would hear her. 

Clarke couldn’t help but roll her eyes at their antics. It was always like this. If Raven gets shotgun, O gets to control the music and vice versa. Unless Clarke decides to pull the ‘driver controls the music’ card, then it’s Clarke who controls it. 

Three car doors opened and three car doors closed as they piled into the vehicle. 

“Octavia, nothing depressing” the blonde warned, giving the younger girl a sharp glare through her rear view mirror. 

“yeah i know i know” octavia dismisses, already connected her phone to the bluetooth and scrolling through her playlists to find a suitable song to start with. “Shall we start with a classic?” she questions with a raised eyebrow, a mischievous grin crawling onto her features. 

“As long as it doesn't sound like crap” Raven shoots back before Clarke even gets a chance to input something. 

“Please” Octavia scoffs, “ _ You  _ are the one with crap music Miss ‘I listen to heavy metal on the highest volume possible’ Reyes” 

“I do not!” Raven protests, her brows shooting up in mock offense at the accusation. “Clarke!” She whines, her eyes rounding, pleading for Clarke to back her up on this.

“Sorry girl, but she’s right” the blonde offers, barely concealing a laugh at the fake betrayal on Raven’s face.

“I hate you both” she grumbles, crossing her arms over her chest and slumping into the seat.

With an exaggerated eye roll, Clarke turns the key in the ignition, the engine rumbling into life under the hood of the car. Backing out of the parking space, Clarke turns out of the parking lot onto the main road, headed for their favorite place to eat, a quaint little restaurant named ‘The Coalition’, about a ten minute drive from the athletics building. 

“I’ll buy your food” Octavia whispers playfully at a still pouting Raven, who immediately perks up at the words.

“Great! You are forgiven.” the latina declares triumphantly, as if that had been her end game all along.

Both Clarke and Octavia just laugh at the words, before music finally bursts to life through the speakers. Miley Cyrus, Party in the U.S.A starts up, and naturally, all three girls begin to sing along and wiggle in their seats to the beat of the song.

For the first time in a while Clarke truly felt carefree. Her hair falling in loose curls around her head, a smile across her face as she and her friends sing the song, albeit rather poorly, and beginning to fall back into their usual rhythm of joking and teasing as the car sped up on the way to the restaurant. 

***

Walking into the Coalition, the girls were greeted by Titus, the manager of the whole place. As regular patrons-- they are literally here like, four times a week, even if they aren’t eating-- Titus smiled at them and directed them to their usual corner booth. The bald man didn't bother to get menus for the trio, since he knew they would come in already knowing what they wanted.

“It is good to finally see you three again.” Titus greets warmly, a smile gracing his aging face. “What am I to get for you all today?”

The low octave of his voice brings comfort to Clarke as she and Raven settle in to one side of the booth, Octavia on the other. The man was a constant in their lives, even before college when his franchise had been but one small restaurant in Clarke’s hometown.

“I will be having my usual Titus,” Raven informs, a large grin across her face as the man writes down her order, “But give me extra fries. My meal is covered.” she adds cheekily before anyone can say otherwise. 

Octavia looks horrified on the other side of the table, extra fries is at least five more bucks Clarke notes, grimacing as Raven chuckles to herself, a wicked grin sitting on her face.

“I will have the Cheese Ravioli with marinara sauce please” Clarke pipes up to give O a distraction. “And I would like to order the Tower of Onion Rings for our appetizer”

Titus nodded, smiling as he adds the tower to their order. Octavia is still grumbling to herself, regretting ever offering to pay for Raven’s food before they ate.

“And for you Miss Octavia?” The man asks softly.

It seemed he had always had a soft spot for the girl, essentially taking her under his wing when he heard that her mother was dead, father wanted nothing to do with her, and her older brother had left her to fend for herself. He often called her his ‘strik gona’ whenever she seemed to be having a rough day and they visit the restaurant. It’s an ancient tongue that very few people know, Clarke and Octavia both know it very well upon hearing how beautiful some of the words could be. Raven hadn’t really been bothered to learn it, finding no reason to. Clarke had also wanted to learn it after she found some of it written throughout her Dad’s journals. So now not only did she know the basic language, she knows almost all of it. According to Titus her accent is perfect as well, that she could pass as a native if the culture were still widely practiced.

“I will have the Meat Combo, with a side caesar salad.” the brunette brought Clarke out of her head with the final decision.

“Ah of course. I should have known” Titus teased gently, his cranium shaking as he let a small chuckle escape from him. “I will let the kitchen know my dears. You will have your food soon.”

“Thank you!” The girls chorus, wide smiles stretching the span of their faces as the giddiness of getting their favorite meals took over them.

While they waited, conversation flowed very easily. From talking about volleyball, to politics, to the economy, to sports. Whatever they felt like talking about.

Currently Octavia and Raven are having a very intense conversation about the government and whether or not they are doing their job as our government to provide for us. Most of the time Clarke does join in on these kind of conversations, but for today she just sits back and half listens to what they talk about, while letting her mind wander.

School was going to be stressful this year. It’s her first year back from her unexpected hiatus, and she isn’t sure how it is going to go. Logically it should go well, because her brain is stable again, but she just doesn’t know. Something feels off about the year. Maybe it’s just because being back will possibly remind her of old memories. Whatever it is, it makes her stomach churn. Whenever Clarke thinks about the upcoming year, planning her work out, and figuring out ways to manage everything, she feels like she is going to be sick. 

Most likely the anxiety. But what if it isn’t? Clarke always finds that she is doubting any conclusions she makes about the gut wrenching feeling. So many if’s are tossed around inside her head that thinking about it often results in her having to meditate or workout just to calm herself back down.

“Clarke” Raven says, pulling blue eyes away from staring out the floor to ceiling window to focus on her two friends. 

“What? Sorry.” Clarke mumbles, adjusting her focus so she could rejoin the conversation.

“I said your name like four times” Raven informs her, concern flashing clear as day through warm brown hues.

“I was lost in my head” 

“Thinking about the school year?” Octavia hits in on the nail head as she leans forward to put her elbows on the table.

“Yeah…” she quietly relents. There is no use in trying to lie to them. They can smell her bullshit from miles away.

“You’ll be okay” the brunette reassures, reaching over and squeezing a pale hand with her own.

Blue eyes meet soft green and the unspoken ‘ _ what if I’m not?’  _ reverberates through the atmosphere. Almost immediately the tears begin to form in green eyes, the realization that the pain is still deep within Clarke settling in her mind for the first time.

“You will” Octavia insists, aggressively wiping at her eyes before the tears get a chance to fall. “And if you aren’t. Well then Raven and I will glue our butts to you and make sure you get the chance to live how you are meant to.”

The weak joke brings a smile to Clarke’s face even though it doesn’t reach her eyes. Titus chooses that moment to bring their food out to them, giving them a minor distraction for a few seconds. 

“Enjoy your meal” comes the generic phrase, before Titus walks off to attend to other patrons. 

For a few minutes the girls eat in relative silence. Raven is stuffing her triple bacon burger into her mouth, moaning at the wonderful taste of the perfectly cooked meat. Clarke is picking at her pasta, now to agitated to eat with what is going through her mind. The silence wasn’t awkward, but it was tense. None of them really wanted to point out the obvious problem they had, yet they all knew it needed to be talked about. 

It was minutes into their meal when Raven looks seriously at Clarke and murmurs “Talk to us Clarke. You know you can trust us. Let us be there.”

The implication of ‘ _ Let us help’  _ isn’t lost to Clarke. Every part of her screams that she should stay closed off. Keep them in the dark about what she is dealing with. But in her head, she wants them to know. She wants them to understand what she is dealing with so she can feel less alone. So that she doesn’t feel like the weight of  _ her  _ whole world is on her shoulders. A heavy sigh leaves her lips, her eyes flicking from Octavia to Raven. Both girls are willing to wait as long as they have to just to help Clarke. She knows that they just want to help her find the light again. She knows that they have no secret vendetta, or plan to expose all of her weaknesses. Yet her mind still protests against letting them in.

“Okay.” the blonde whispers, her hands fidgeting with the fork on her plate. “Where do you want me to start from?”

“Start from why you are back this year, not earlier, and not later.” Octavia suggests, because no one really knows why she returned now and not earlier, and not in a few years.

Clarke nods and gives herself a few moments to compose her thoughts, and plan how and what she is going to say. And so she starts with how her mother was tired of spending money on her therapy and meds and decided for her that she would be quitting therapy and transition off of her meds, and then go back to school. Abby had given her no choice in the matter. It was either go back to school or get abandoned. While her mom never said that it was almost implied. The only thing Abby did in her favor was allowed her to go to a new university. Which is how Clarke got to Trikru university. She wasn’t originally on the volleyball team, but when Indra heard she was transferring, she had asked if Clarke wanted to set for them. Of course Clarke had agreed. This is one of the best schools to play for.

“So I came a few weeks early to sort stuff out with Coach Indra. She and I did some one on one practice’s so she could get used to my playing style and learn how to coach me. The pre-season game against Arkadia, I wasn’t even supposed to be in, until Luna got injured. Being thrown into everything was a bit startling.” The blonde pauses, wanting to choose her next words carefully, because if said wrong it could give the other two the wrong idea. “Since then, I feel like I haven’t had a chance to breathe. I’ve had urges to cut, and I’m not going to confirm or deny if I have or not, but I just feel so overwhelmed and I am terrified that I’m going to let someone down”

“Clarke… you’re not going to be letting anyone down if you try your best” Raven tries to comfort, placing a hand on a lithe shoulder.

“Tell that to my mother” Clarke retorts, anger flaring in her eyes at the mere thought of how easily her mother is ‘let down’ by her daughter.

Raven and Octavia weren't surprised by the negative retort, but what disheartened then was how easy it is to see that Clarke truly believes what she said. The raven haired latina was about to speak up, and tell Clarke where her mother could shove it, when the girl’s phone vibrated. 

Clarke picks her phone up, unlocking the screen with a flick of her thumb, going to the messages app. Her face, which is already sullen and defeated, falls even further. Her eyes cloud with tears, and she can’t help the small whimper that leaves her body. Foreign to her own ears. 

**_Abby *6:47 pm* : I will be coming down to Trikru University i’m just under a month. I expect to be welcomed into your house, and actually be a guest. You will not avoid me. We will talk, and you will let me check over your body and make sure you are still healthy. Remember. This is your second chance. I willingly gave it to you. Do not make me regret it._ **

**_See you in a few weeks._ **

**_Love you._ **

Clarke didn’t even react. She just sat there staring at the bright screen, the words blending into the background even though the black text contrasts the white background so vibrantly. The blonde felt as her lungs began to contract, refusing to allow in more air. 

_ No. Not here. Not in front of all these people.  _ Clarke scolds herself mentally, her teeth biting into her inner cheek, hard enough that she began to taste the copper tang of blood. 

_ I deserve it.  _ Comes the ironic thought, a harsh laugh leaving her mouth as she thinks about the current predicament. 

“Clarke? What’s wrong?” comes the worried octave of her closest friends. 

“Abby is coming to town.” she bites out, “And she is giving me a check up” 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh... don't kill me? Don't like leaving y'all like that but I felt I needed to. What do you all think about the fact that Abby will be coming down for a visit, and Clarke won't be hiding this time? As always constructive criticism and feedback fuels my soul and helps me write these chapters. :) 
> 
> And i hope this chapter was worth the wait, if not i am sorry. I didn’t want to disappoint thats part of why it took so long. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. Stay tuned. Chapter Seven to come soon.


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